Volume 33 - Unity

     When Hal David penned the words to Burt Bacharach's melody "What the World Needs Now Is Love."  almost 50 years ago, it seemed to many that things were looking up.   It was the year after Nixon resigned and the US troops came home from Vietnam.  Lester B. Pearson, then Prime Minister of Canada with a minority Liberal government, introduced universal health care, student loans, the Canada pension Plan, the Order of Canada and the current Maple Leaf flag. 

     The counter-culture "hippie" movement was taking hold, with its visions of love, peace, communal living and artistic expression. The Cold War was still casting its chilly effect on our sense of security, and it was the height of the civil rights movement.   Though zero population growth was being touted as an ideal in some circles, global warming was not yet part of the public discourse.

     The post-war materialistic boom was still underway, and from our human-centric view, it looked like we were heading into a future of prosperity like none other. 

     The way we define "prosperity" has become a major problem as we stand here, in 2011 -- at a crossroads -- with world wide population exploding, natural systems imploding, unemployment and under-employment rampant, hunger growing, and no clear answers in sight.  

     I mentioned Einstein's definition of insanity last blog:  continuing to do the same thing and expecting a different result. Or to put it pointedly -- when thinking of "business as usual" on planet Earth, an appropriate question might be, "How's that working for ya?"

     I wrote last month with the Japanese nuclear crisis still unfolding.  Since that time, the United States has been hit with devastating tornadoes, and both the US and Canada with extreme flooding.  Crops may not get in the ground in time.  Reaching peak oil has increased the cost of everything, from groceries to transportation to home heating and all other goods.  Far too many people are living lives of poverty and deprivation.  And we continue to destroy the environment on which we depend at an alarming rate, largely to meet our rapidly growing demands for food, fresh water, timber, fiber and fuel.  

     We see the challenges before us -- and  like little children, we argue back and forth (right and left) about what the issues really are and what needs to be done to solve them.

     Seems to me that that what the world needs now is love -- and unity.

Linda Kavelin Popov speaks of unity as a "powerful virtue" that "brings great strength.  Unity," she goes on to say, "is inclusiveness.  It  brings people together.  We set our commonality without devaluing our differences.         We experience our connectedness with all people and all life.  Unity frees us from the divisiveness of prejudice and heals our fears."

     When we are practicing unity, "We refuse to engage in conflict, seeking peace in all circumstances.  Unity comes when we value every person, in our family or in our world."

     How does this rag-tag group of hurt people known as humanity get together and practice unity?

     I think it begins by shifting our point of view.  With unity as the primal point, we acknowledge that "the joy of one is the joy of all" and conversely, that "the hurt of one is the hurt of all, the honor of one is the honor of all." (Linda Kavelin Popov)

     How can we look at our neighbors, both near and far, with love in our hearts and unity in our minds and actions?  

     There is an Ojibway prayer that reads, "We know that we are the ones who are divided, and we are the ones who must come back together to walk in the Sacred Way."  (Oneworld Book of Prayer, p. 152)

     I can get so triggered by people's opinions that I judge as wrong I could cuss and spit.   Especially in areas I feel passionate about, areas that I feel are critical to take action on.  I can argue my point vociferously.

     Recently I was at a meeting in the municipality I live in, where the Mayor and Council were reviewing input from the public to improve the draft Official Community Plan.  One of the members started a debate about using the word 'certain' in relation to sea level rising.  He went into his opinion (in spite of the overwhelming scientific opinion) that sea level rise was not certain.  I was practically apoplectic when neither the mayor nor members of the council took him on.  I googled a webpage on the BC Government's Environmental site which explained the certainty of climate change.  I waved my hand to try and get the mayor to acknowledge me, so that I could point it out -- all to no avail.  And then I learned something.  The mayor and other members of council were willing to remove this word (even those whom I know certainly don't dispute the 'certain' rise of sea level)  The new wording didn't change the intent of the paragraph, but helped to build unity amongst the members of council.   

     It was a teachable moment for me.  Sometimes it's important to stand firm and other times, when it won't make a  difference to the outcome, its important to allow others point of view to be recognized.    

     In the past (and even that day) I would see such a person  as being an obstructionist (not realizing they likely saw me the same way)  I've noted over time how off putting that attitude usually is.  How it only seemed to entrench the other person in their position. (and me in mine)  How it resulted in discomfort and disunity.  And how it can often hurt the other, instead of help them and hurt the situation instead of helping it.   

     These days, I'm trying my best to "get curious, not furious" with others when their viewpoints differ radically from mine.   Sometimes, I hold a point of view that seems accurate -- but the real truth is, I only have a limited view of the issues.  

   Last night I was at another meeting.  It was called by a well intentioned local activist in the small seaside town I call home.  We're a geographically small part of a very large, fiscally prudent municipality and some folks  (this gentleman included) have been feeling we're being ignored.  Unfortunately, his style of communication is not about seeking unity, but seeing and feeding discord.  He said some things that were not only inaccurate but inflammatory.  People began to react to the misinformation and get angry.  Then several people stood up and asked for unity.  They didn't actually use the word itself but they were describing the disunity he was promulgating  as 'negative', as an 'us and them' attitude.  He continued to be defensive and to assert his views, and a few of the younger folks took it to heart.  There is still work to do.  But I was very proud of the folks that wanted to bring us back to a more positive ground.  Back to unity.   

     From a limited vantage point, it's easy to pass judgment and take a stand.  It's more difficult to take the other's point of view and stand in their shoes.  But decidedly richer.  From the clash of differing opinions can come a brilliant solution.

     At the end of the day, no matter where on this earth we live, we're all neighbors.  Neighbors learning how to live with each other and with the biosphere that supports us.  

        And we all want pretty much the same general thing.    To live in a place where healthy, happy people of all ages live together peaceably and productively, in communities that cooperate -- with each other and with the land we live on.   A place where people who are struggling (for whatever reason) are given the tools and support they need to be happy and healthy. (We may differ on the means to this end, but I don't think too many people want to see others suffer.)

     I've come to believe that change is best accomplished in our homes and neighborhoods, towns and communities, right here on the ground where we live.  That each of us can be agents of change.  And that unity is the pathway we must walk to get there.  

    How can we learn to to listen to each other?  To share our differing opinions with respect, and to listen to the other's thoughts and feelings with respect?  Building relationships, striving for unity, is the only way we will ever be able to solve the external problems we face. 

     It's become clear to me that we all need to be leaders for change, in whatever way feels right to us.  To be mindful of our own issues and the areas we need to grow in -- and then do the work to grow.  

     The examples I've given from my own life are really about democracy.  Democracy can and should be a collaboration.  It should feel more like building a house or planting a garden, and less like a tug of war.   No one has all the answers, but if we agree to combine our energy, talents and resources -- we just might find the solutions we need. 

       This is the commitment I am making this month.  To myself, to my intimates and neighbours.  To be a voice for unity -- for finding common ground.   To share my views with others and listen to theirs.  To vote every day for peace and justice by practicing the principle of unity in all my affairs. 

     I invite you to join me.  What the world needs now is love -- and unity.  May it come soon.

Namaste,

~ Kate

The Practice of Unity

I am a lover of humanity.

I seek common ground.

I appreciate differences.

I resolve conflict peacefully.

I honor the value of each individual.

I am a unifier.

I am thankful for the gift of Unity.  It makes me an instrument of peace.

Reflection Questions

What situations in my life are calling for unity?

How can I value each individual while resolving conflict peacefully?

How can I be true to myself and still practice unity?

What action does the principle of unity call me to today?

Volume 32 - Wisdom

I'm writing this newsletter on the eve of a federal election here in Canada, and the backdrop on the news at every turn is the violent turmoil in the Middle East.  Behind that are the headlines about permanent climate change, the latest of which are about 300+ deaths in the southeastern US from an unprecedented barrage of tornadoes.  

As my beloved country faces what will be a "defining moment" for generations to come, an historic change point if you will, it occurs to me that what citizens here -- and around the world -- most need  is wisdom.

Indeed, I think wisdom is what all of humanity needs, no matter where we live.  We are facing a rapid decline in environmental integrity everywhere.  Much of it is caused by the lifestyles of people living, like me, in the "first world."

We must collectively draw on wisdom --  in our personal lives, day to day, generally; and particularly when we exercise our right to vote.  We must elect  governments at all levels  that can lead us into this uncertain future, helping us make the transition to a sustainable way of co-habiting with all the life forms we share this planet with.

  

Merriam-Webster's online dictionary defines wisdom as: "accumulated philosophic or scientific learning; knowledge; good sense; judgment; a wise attitude, belief or course of action; capacity for effective application of the powers of the mind as a basis for action or response, intelligence."  Another apt synonym would be "common sense."

No matter what our ideology or political leanings, I think the majority of humans agree that we  are standing at a pivotal point -- the world over -- an especially important juncture in the journey of humanity.  Wisdom must prevail for humans to prevail.

Linda Kavelin Popov tells, "Wisdom is the guardian of our choices.  It helps us to discern the right path at the right moment."

I wrote last month's blog as  the world watched the drama unfolding in Japan.  Ironically, we then commemorated the 25th anniversary of Chernobyl.  This week, I've been watching the tornado devastation in the southern United States at the same time as the flooding of much of Canada's prairie breadbasket.  While those in power continue to debate and bargain on acceptable levels of CO2 emissions, and invoke the need to create jobs and keep taxes down and stimulate economic recovery, climate change  and its devastation marches on.

Every thinking person on this planet today must now see that the quality of our future -- and our ultimate survival --depends on us collectively choosing what is the right path, the wisdom path, at this moment in history.  

To continue on the same course would be insane, and would bring us the same results as previous cultures that failed to heed the warning signs.  Yet we do  continue on, election after election, swinging from center to left to right and back again.  We continue, week after week, buying and selling, burning fossil fuels and hoping in a peculiar form of aware denial that something "out there" will  magically  fix it.  How wise is that?

Albert Einstein defined insanity as "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."  Clearly, wisdom must prevail for us to keep the privilege to be here.  How do we discern it at any given time and in any given situation?

Kavelin Popov goes on to tell us that wisdom calls us to "use our best judgment, resisting the pull of impulse and desire.  Wisdom gives us the maturity and patience to make sustainable decisions."  

Sustainable decisions?    

Back to Merriam-Webster: sustainable - "capable of being sustained; relating to, or being a method of harvesting or using a resource so that the resource is not depleted or permanently damaged."

Using wisdom -- or common sense -- one doesn't need a PhD in economics (or anything else for that matter) to realize that what we call the "Western" way of living is not sustainable.  It never has been.

The practice of buy now, pay later, in all its various permutations, has a very deep cost.  

  An economic system that rewards the rich at the expense of the poor while plundering the planet is not sustainable -- and is not wise.  We can continue, insanely, going about business as usual.  Or we can start to try to create something that is sustainable.

The so-called "age of prosperity" has not been for the many, but only for the few -- at the expense of the many -- and always at the expense of the natural environment.  How can that possibly be sustainable?  Where is the wisdom in that?

What is the answer?  Values must shift. Wisdom must prevail.

In The Real Wealth of Nations, Rianne Eisler  proposes a new economics, a "caring economics," which takes into account and includes the contributions of people and our natural environment.  Her book traces the roots of the great problems of our time.  She finds that poverty, inequality, war, terrorism and environmental degradation all result from our past and current flawed economic systems, which fail to value and support the most essential human work:  that of caring -- for people and the planet.

 Eisler, a social scientist, puts forward an audacious reformulation, showing how an economics that takes "caring"into account offers huge benefits, both socially and economically.  She goes beyond stating an opinion, constructively providing a "blueprint for putting this more humane and effective economic system to work."

Wisdom calls us to take care of first things first.  If we don't take care of our health, our body will break down and make it much harder (or impossible) to "take care of business."  If we don't take care of our planet, it too will break down -- as we are finally realizing -- and make it much harder to "take care of business."  Or impossible.

When chaos seems to be reigning, how to we find the wisdom path?

Linda Popov reminds us that part of wisdom is seeking knowledge, entering into reflection and opening ourselves to inspiration.  "We consider carefully, then act confidently.  Wisdom takes us beyond thought to a deeper knowing.  Wisdom grounds us in grace."

In October 2008, in the lead-up to the last federal election in my country, I felt optimistic.  The results of that election in Canada squelched my optimism.    My beloved country  seems to be going in the wrong direction. 

We've lost our seat on the UN security council, we were given the "Colossal Fossil" award for our obstruction of climate regulations at the Copenhagen Accord meetings, our Prime Minister has been found in contempt of Parliament (the first time in our history), and we are now holding our fourth nationwide election in 7 years.  Clearly, our system is splitting at the seams.  And I suspect that wherever you live in the world, you may be feeling the same about your country right now.

Nonetheless, my optimism has returned this election season and is again growing.  Polls report an unexpected surge of the New Democratic Party in Canada, a party that pundits predicted would never form government or even take the role of official opposition, seems poised to do one or the other.  Although I'm not a supporter of partisan politics, I do think we need a system of government that's willing and able to address --- and maybe be even start solving -- the problems we face as a species.

I don't think we have such a government yet functioning on the planet (not that I'm aware of, anyway).  But it's imperative that we get one, in every country.  And I do believe that right now, as bad as things are, we are more capable than ever of creating such governments.

I'm reminded of  the great anthropologist Margaret Mead's assurance, "Never underestimate the power of a small group of people to change the world.  In fact, it's the only way it has ever happened." 

Can we afford to go on with more of the same?  Not just here in Canada, but anywhere on this big beautiful planet?

The partisanship way of governing, where might is right, and the "They're wrong, we're right" kind of thinking have got us into a big mess.  Our human-centric focus has destroyed the planet's delicate balance of ecosystems and caused the extinction of numerous species.  Wherever you live, there is room for improvement.  Many people's very lives are threatened by climate change.  Coastal cities and impoverished countries will take the biggest brunt, but we will all be affected.  

As a voter, I've always naturally leaned left.  I like the idea of looking out for each other.   A culture of caring sounds good to me. 

I hope Canada votes Jack Layton into government.  Not because I think he is some kind of saviour, but because I think he just might possess a particular combination of humility, intelligence,  integrity, inclusiveness, wisdom, and real leadership that this country needs right now.  

I believe that he will work to build bridges instead of walls.  Unity instead of more division.  Holding the vision that we are all neighbours who have to learn how to live together on this planet as one race, as part of one big ecosystem.  He appears to recognize that might does not make right and that power, control and domination cannot bring peace and unity.  

After all, when we get down to it, there is not a liberal and a conservative Canada, but one Canada, made up of 34 million individuals.  Our job as citizens is to learn to embrace and work with our diversity and somehow, out of it all, create a national unity.  Not unity of thought or religion or politics, but a unity of spirit that respects differences while upholding the rights of all living things to life and liberty.  

  We can do this together, but we need leaders and policy makers who are willing to hold up and work for this ideal.  Leaders who are willing to listen to each other with respect (no matter if they are left, right or center), who can listen as well as talk -- not only to each other, but to their constituents and to the feedback from the natural world, and to experts and even visionaries about the changes that just might give us a chance.

This also translates to the global political system.  We need leaders  worldwide, at local and national levels, who are willing to sit down at the table and tackle the issues facing the planet.  Cooperatively, with open minds and hearts and a willingness to make hard choices.  

There are times when we have to work with what we know, stay the steady course, when that is wisdom.  Then there are times which are unprecedented, which call for bold new direction and leadership.  It's clearly time to turn this ship around and chart a new course.  

"The first task of a leader is to keep hope alive."  --Joe Batten  

Whatever happens in Canada on May 2, Jack Layton and his campaign have mobilized people and ignited hope across party lines.  I like Ralph Nader's take on the function of leadership: "to produce more leaders, not more followers."   

I encourage you to be a leader, wherever you find yourself.  Draw on wisdom to help you. 

We can  all be leaders on climate change and social justice.  We can all call on wisdom and discernment in our daily lives and make choices for the planet, her people and other living things, choices that are sustainable.  They are not easy choices, but the alternative is not easy either.   Status quo is only going to bring more of the same results.  Remember Einstein's definition of insanity.  

As you face decisions large and small in your own life, wherever you find yourself on this big beautiful planet, may you draw on wisdom to take you to a deeper knowing. 

If you are a neighbour of mine in Canada, please consider this election as an opportunity to take Canada to a new place.  And whoever you are going to vote for, please do get out and vote.  Vote with your ballot tomorrow, and just as important, vote with your life everyday henceforth-- by being a leader, a leader for change.

We are the ones we are waiting for.  May we finally arrive.

Namaste

~ Kate

  

The Practice of Wisdom

I make discerning choices.

I resist distracting impulses.

I listen to my better judgment.

I reflect before I act.

I seek spiritual guidance.

I trust my deepest truth.

I am thankful for the gift of Wisdom.  It is the messenger of my soul.

Reflection questions:

What action does wisdom call me to?

How do I listen to my better judgment?

What virtues can I draw on to see the future with a vision of what is possible?

What solutions would I like to focus on at this time?

Volume 31 - Integrity

 What a month we've had!  Perhaps like me, you spent more time than usual glued to the news.  The events unfolding in Japan this past month are sobering at best, terrifying at worst.  My heart goes out to the people of Japan as they struggle to cope with the disaster that has befallen them.  My respect and awe go to the workers at the Fukushima power plant, the government and the rescue workers from Japan and other countries, as they work against all odds to recover from a "triple whammy," any one part of which would be crippling.

As I follow the unfolding drama, I read about and witness the incredible integrity of the Japanese people.  Through it all they "keep faith with (their) ideals and live by (their) deepest values."

Linda Kavelin Popov tells us that "Integrity is standing up for what we believe is right.  We keep faith with our ideals and live by our deepest values.  We keep our agreements reliably.  Our actions match our words.  We strive to balance impeccable integrity and unfailing tenderness for others and ourselves.  We cherish the challenge of doing the right thing in all circumstances.  We give excellence to whatever we undertake.  We live by our personal covenant."

Though Japan has seen food shortages, no power and much uncertainty,  looting has been all but absent as the country faces this crisis.  This is in stark contrast to the situations in Haiti and New Orleans after their respective disasters.  

What makes a people, or a person, act with integrity?   What does integrity look like?

Depends on the situation.

 For instance, integrity is one of the virtues I most wish to stand on.   Part of the journey I'm having with integrity is to be totally honest about what's really true for me and really looking after myself.  At times, this causes others in my life to be disappointed.  Looking after me doesn't always allow me to serve them in the familiar ways.

Yet I've come to realize  the only way I can show up in integrity in my wider life is to make sure I am trustworthy enough to show up for and take care of the only person I can be sure to spend the rest of my life with.  Me.

I learned this the hard way, as I've alluded in previous posts.

At those times when I must forego others (or wider service)  to look after myself, I'm comforted by the sentiments of Alan Cohen -- "Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself.  They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused."

Confucius advised that "To put the world right...we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right."

That too, is living with integrity.

"When used as a virtue term, ‘integrity’ refers to a quality of a person's character; however, there are other uses of the term. One may speak of the integrity of a wilderness region or an ecosystem, a computerized database, a defense system, a work of art, and so on. When it is applied to objects, integrity refers to the wholeness, intactness or purity of a thing—meanings that are sometimes carried over when it is applied to people. 
"A wilderness region has integrity when it has not been corrupted by development or by the side-effects of development, when it remains intact as wilderness. A database maintains its integrity as long as it remains uncorrupted by error; a defense system as long as it is not breached. A musical work might be said to have integrity when its musical structure has a certain completeness that is not intruded upon by uncoordinated, unrelated musical ideas; that is, when it possesses a kind of musical wholeness, intactness and purity." Stanford Encylopedia of Philosophy

Something about the Japanese culture obviously supports this kind of wholeness, intactness, purity.

Another thing I've been spending a lot of my time on this month is doing what I can to help save a small Coastal Douglas Fir ecosystem in my little town.  I'm not alone.  Over 1,400 people have signed a petition to try and save Echo Heights,  a 52-acre fir forest with two meadows of rare Garry Oaks, from being mowed down and paved for "progress."  Many of us had hoped that the local government, which supports preserving Coastal Douglas Fir zones in its Official Community Plan, had seen the light and would honor the integrity of this piece of land.

Unfortunately, although they have modified their plan, they will soon give first reading to a by-law that - - if passed -- would result in high-density dwellings being built on 40 % of this precious ecosystem.  The other 60% would not have a hope of recovering, and many species of plants and animals would lose their home.

Lately in British Columbia, the once-endangered Bald Eagle (unique to North America) has been literally falling from the skies -- dying due to starvation, because of low salmon spawning returns.  The integrity of their ecosystem is breaking down; who knows what the outcome will be?

Like the Bald Eagle, old-growth Coastal Douglas Fir forests once dominated Eastern Vancouver Island, the place I am blessed to call home.  It is beautiful and abundant with life -- but unfortunately, to date almost 99 % of this forest land has been logged, much of it lost forever to urban space and farming.

The coastal fir forest, beautiful and rare, is  also critically important to the whole region for water capture and storage (and subsequent release of water during droughts), for climate regulation, carbon storage and clean air.  It supports 127 plant species and 81 animal species, all of which are at risk if this ecosystem disappears.  It is also unique to this area of the planet; once it is gone, it will live no more, forever.

For at least six years now, a small group of people have been valiantly trying to save Echo Heights, our local piece of this land.  And all the world over, folks are lobbying and marching and writing letters and blogs -- standing up for the integrity of their lands, for justice, for people and place, for peace, for democracy, for common sense.

For most if not all of them, its a matter of integrity.  They have no choice but to stand up for what they believe is right.  They are passionate and generous.  They've given hundreds of hours of their time.
There are so many worthy and important causes in the world, so many opportunities to practice integrity by standing up for what we believe in, for living by our personal covenant.

Someone who epitomizes integrity -- standing up for what he believes in, and living by his own personal covenant -- is David Suzuki, a Japanese-Canadian academic, scientist, broadcaster, activist and environmentalist  who turned 75 in March.  He co-founded the David Suzuki Foundation in 1990 "to find ways for society to live in balance with the natural world that sustains us."  He has been speaking out for his whole career on  issues that affect us all -- oceans and sustainable fishing, climate change and clean energy, and sustainability.  


I try to honor the work Suzuki has been doing by thinking globally and acting locally, by speaking up for and encouraging stewardship of the Mother Planet we all depend on.  And by helping others to do the same, through my work with The Virtues Project.  This has become my heart's deepest promise.

As we move into spring, may buds of positive change continue to burst from the roots of our integrity.  May they support blossoms of peace, justice and sustainability the world over.

May humanity realize, We are the ones we've been waiting for -- and roll up our sleeves and get to work -- creating a legacy worthy to leave to future generations.  May Gaia support our efforts as we work to support her.

Namaste

~ Kate

PS:  If saving Coastal Douglas Fir ecosystems calls to you, or if you'd just like to learn more about this specific little forest near my home, click the links above in this blog.  You can also join Echo Heights Forest on Facebook -- to show your support.  And if you'd be willing to lend your voice to call for its protection, please write a letter of support to:  council@northcowichan.ca

The Practice of Integrity


I live by my ideals.

I am faithful to the virtues of my character.

I am trustworthy.

I temper righteousness with forgiveness.

I strive to do the right thing.

I abide by my heart's deepest promise.

I am thankful for the gift of Integrity.  It supports me to walk my talk.

Reflection questions


What is my heart's promise to which I must abide?

How can I better live by my ideals?

What are my deepest values?

What is my personal covenant?

Volume 30 - Justice

The Holocaust Museum in Washington DC displays these words, "Thou shalt not be a victim.  Thou shalt not be a perpetrator.  Above all, thou shalt not be a bystander."

The virtue on my mind this week is one I wrote about two years ago.  I smile as I think about synchronicity.  Then as now, I was thinking about Justice and Justice seemed also to be thinking about me.  Then, (January 2009) I reached into my bag of 100 virtues and blindly picking got Justice. (1 out of a 100 odds) Seemed like a confirmation of my choice.  This time, I looked into the basket on my living room coffee table that also holds 100 cards -- and there at the top of the pile was Justice.

Why has Justice been on my mind? Well, the world political scene certainly contributes.  The sweeping changes across the Middle East, as people there stand up for justice.  The natural disasters in part caused by humans (climate change) and our incessant need for 'growth'.   But mostly I think it relates to something closer.

About five weeks ago, a young life was violently snuffed out in the beautiful little valley I call home.

Tyeshia (18) was a young woman with everything to look forward to.  Early one morning she set out from a party to meet a friend and never arrived.  Somewhere along the way, she was murdered and her body dumped in the woods.

The reaction of the community was deep and powerful.  A walk  --  'Take Back the Night' was organized, to honor Tyeshia and another woman who was also murdered early this year.

Over 2,000 people showed up in the town square on a Friday evening to take part in a candle light walk.
Much of the coverage around the walk was about how we must act as a community to make our streets safe.

I was struck at the time with the thought that for our streets to be safe, our homes must be safe.

Did you know that currently, every 15 seconds in North America, someone is assaulted by their intimate other? (Yale University Health)   Nearly all of these assaults take place, not on dark streets, but in the victim's own home.

Whoever took this young life is a product of the culture we have created and are trying to live in. 


When I left the city to come back to my family roots on Vancouver Island 35 years ago, it was in part to raise my family in a smaller, safer  more sustainable community.  Wendell Berry describes a sustainable community as one where members are in 'harmony with his or her surroundings.'  Where people are able to define what is singular about where they live.  I thought I could say that this was a place where family was valued and values supported families.  Where children grew up closer to nature, community and  their families.  Life was slower here and the community pulled together.   Either I was naive or the world has found us.

This weekend, the lead story in our local paper is captioned, "Child abuse rate triple the provincial average."  A shocking trend and very disturbing, but not surprising if one considers the every 15 seconds statistic.

An individual who would assault the person they have chosen as partner in the world is not capable of creating a healthy home.  One might even go so far as to say, an individual who assaults their 'intimate' other has some kind of mental illness.

What about individuals who assault, physically -- or with words, complete strangers.  Recently I learned of a youth in my area  -- who expresses himself in a unique,  loving, gentle and original way -- being
attacked and berated by an adult (who does not know him) as a 'freak of nature', for what the adult saw as the youth behaving in a way that he judged wrong.   This 'adult' spewed anger and vitriol on another human being for over 10 minutes.  Never once did he ask the youth for his story, for what he was thinking/feeling/doing.   Can this be a mentally healthy way to treat another human being?

What causes mental illness, I've often wondered, and what can be done to heal it?

I've been reading 'The Truth About Mental Illness', by Dr. Charles L. Whitfield.   Dr. Whitfield is a physician and psychotherapist in private practice in Atlanta, GA.  A nationally known speaker and author of six books, Dr. Whitfield states, "In my thirty-eight years as a physician, and the last twenty-six years of that time as a psychotherapist, I have seen and assisted countless patients with a wide variety of mental and physical illnesses.  Whether their problem was depression, an anxiety disorder, an addiction or some other illness, in most of them I have not seen convincing evidence that the cause of their disorders was solely a genetic or another biological defect.  (There is also no published proof for the biogenetic theory of mental illness.)  In fact, I regularly saw evidence for another equally, if not more important factor:  A history of repeated childhood trauma.  Among all of these people, I have rarely seen one who had a major psychological or psychiatric illness who grew up in a healthy family."


 Whitfield goes on to say that "over the past century numerous observers have looked at trauma, and how it effects us.  But since 1980 there has been an outpouring of more than 300 clinical scientific studies that have shown a strong link between repeated childhood trauma and the development of a subsequent mental illness -- often decades later.  In most of these investigations the authors have controlled for other potential associations with mental symptoms and disorders and they have found them to play a less important role than did the trauma itself. "


Children who witness the abuse of one or both parents, or who themselves are abused have higher levels of adult depression and trauma symptoms and increased tolerance for and use of violence in adult relationships. 


How can we deal with this terrible situation?  How can we find justice?


Linda Kavelin Popov  reminds us that "Justice is being fair in all that we do.  We continually look for the truth, not bowing to others' judgments or perceptions.  We do not backbite.  We clear up problems face to face.  We make agreements that benefit everyone equally.   When we commit a wrong, we are honest in correcting it and making amends.  If someone is hurting us, it is just to stop them.  It is never just for strong people to hurt weaker people.   With justice, we protect everyone's rights.  Sometimes when we stand for justice, we stand alone."


The children of the world  are under siege -- often in their very own homes.  How can we find justice for them?  Educational systems, that may have helped (German psychotherapist Alice Miller suggests that one empathetic witness can sometimes help a child on the journey to overcome childhood neglect) are under siege from overloaded and underfunded curricula and lack of real support for  educators.


Social programs that have the potential to help are stressed to the breaking point.


The very ground we stand on (planet earth) is also under siege.  How can we find justice  for the planet and her living systems?   


I'm reminded again of Bill Cosby's wisdom, "Hurt people, hurt people."  And animals and the biosphere.


How can we stop the hurting?  We need a new paradigm.  It is never just for strong people to hurt weaker people.  Everyone's rights must be protected. 


To  truly honor this earth and her inhabitants, to truly honor Tyeshia and the other young people who are victims of abuse by 'hurt people', we must take back the night and the day by lighting more than our streets.  We must light our homes and communities with mutual respect, love and safety -- only then can we have a true community, a community in which each child and adult is safe and able to live a full, free life.   The kind of community that the First People of this region developed and Western culture has all but destroyed. 


We have a lot of work to do.  We must begin it.


Tyeshia  -- and every child -- deserves nothing less.


Namaste,


~ Kate


The Practice of Justice


I think for myself.


I do not engage in prejudice or backbiting.


I make fair agreements.


I make restitution for my mistakes.


I honor people's rights including my own.


I have the courage to stand up for the truth.


I am thankful for the gift of Justice.
It is the guardian of my integrity.


Reflection Questions


What action is justice calling me to?


How can I stand up for the truth?


What can I do to stop abuse?


What problems do I need to clear up?

Volume 29 ~ Honor (A Valentine's Gift that Lasts a Lifetime

The table’s set for two, the candles are lit, and the Valentine’s card is opened … now what? Couples will take time out to affirm their love next month, and that’s wonderful. But what do they say after they say “I love you”?

Back in day-to-day life, where promises and hopes meet the pressures of reality, how can people strengthen their love? How can they take it to the next level?

Taking it to the next level isn’t sexual, or even romantic per se -- it’s deepening the emotional intimacy. 

Then, when couples feel closer and more connected, sexuality and romance can blossom.

Deepening intimacy is less about what we say than about how we listen. The Maoris of New Zealand greet each other by saying, ‘I see you.’ That, in a nutshell, is the art of listening.

When partners feel seen, when they’re heard and understood, their bonds strengthen. Listening -- a simple concept, not always easy.

Really listening is an art -- the art of inviting another person to open their soul, and then holding them with care as they do it.

This art has been named “Spiritual Companioning” by one of its masters.

I will be sharing it with couples (and individuals) later this month in both a one-day workshop for couples and a four-week tele-seminar.  Companioning -- or "deep listening," as I often call it -- is a way of focusing on the other person, with both compassion and detachment. It helps them get to the heart of what they’re feeling and find their own inner truth.

Ironically, deep listening can be most challenging with those we hold dearest. But it’s worth the effort. It’s the royal road to true intimacy. It’s easy to start using, and it shifts and deepens your connection at once. Over the long haul, it’s deep intimacy that holds a relationship together.

Listening is one of the most powerful ways that we can honor one another.

What role does honor play in relation to those who are not in touch with their own honor, at best,  or who actively dishonor others at worst?  How can we honor ourselves when another seeks to  hurt us or put us down?

I planned to write about honor specifically in intimate relationships, and how crucial it is that we really see and hear one another's truth in order to build healthy,  nurturing relationships.  After all, a healthy relationship can only be based on honoring each person's truth -- and the only person who knows the full truth about us, is us.  (Though others who know and love us can give us helpful feedback.)

 Last night, a phone call reminded me that it takes two people to have an honorable exchange.   During the call, I was unexpectedly lambasted in  a way that was anything but honoring of me as a human being, by someone who was obviously in a lot of pain and denial.  This person had a lot of  misguided judgments and opinions about me -- and, unfortunately, very little knowledge of me as a person and even less curiosity.   When I attempted to set boundaries around the assault, calling for reason and courtesy, I was yelled at, shamed and mocked.  After about 15 minutes of this treatment, realizing that I was being abused, I ended the conversation firmly.

I slept very little.  This individual is not someone I have chosen to participate in my life, but rubs shoulders with me because of her relationship to members of my family.  She has many good qualities and, I believe, good intentions; but her inability to listen -- her readiness to judge, using strongly held opinions  and projections that she freely (and sometimes forcefully) shares -- has brought at least three members of my family to tears.  It's hard for me to like her.  Yet somehow, I must maintain a cordial relationship with her while respecting myself and protecting my family members whenever possible.  Somehow, I must keep my dignity and not attack hers.

Listening  to another who has good intentions towards us brings us closer together. It's even possible when they're expressing  anger towards us, as long as they are owning their feelings and expressing them with respect. 

 

Listening to someone who is hurling angry vitriol does not bring us closer together. These kinds of relationships are not honorable. Sadly, many, many relationships are not honorable (every 15 seconds in the United States, someone is assaulted by an intimate other) and have no hope of becoming so unless and until there is goodwill present and each party honors the other -- not just some of the time, but all of the time.   

Where abuse is present, honor cannot be.  When abuse is the order of the day, chaos, pain and destruction are the only possible outcomes. 

 

When relationships are based on goodwill and honor, however, anything is possible.    As Oprah Winfrey aptly said, "If you seek what is honorable, what is good, what is the truth of your life, all the other things you could not imagine come as a matter of course."

Will it get messy?  Yes.  Will we make mistakes?  Yes.   It seems that our relationships bring forward all that is unhealed from our pasts.  It can be a lot of hard work to hold and heal those old wounds.  However, when we treat one another with dignity and respect, when we "listen another into a state of disclosure and discovery," as Douglas Steere said, it "may be the greatest service one human being ever performs for another."  Not only does it help to heal and transform old wounds,  it makes our lives worthwhile.   Not only does it heal the individuals involved, it heals the world, one heart at a time.  

 

This brings me to what seems to have become an obsession with me -- how do we humans learn to honor, not only  everyone but everything in the web of life?  As the early wilderness advocate John Muir noted, "When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe."

It occurred to me this sleepless morning -- sitting in my study in the wee hours, watching events unfold in the Middle East -- that a different kind of listening is being called for there.  A million people standing up for change, standing up against  an abuse of power that has kept them stifled, frustrated  and controlled, must be heard.

Not only must we listen in our private lives, one to one, we also need to listen to each other nation to nation, people to people.  Humanity, collectively, has a lot of soul-searching to do.  We must begin to truly honor each other and ourselves.  We must stand up to abuse and seek protection from those who would do us harm. 

 

Linda Kavelin Popov teaches that "honor is deep respect for what we know is right and true ... living up to the virtues of our character ... appreciation in action ...  treating others with the dignity they deserve.  When we are being honorable, we act with integrity, not to be admired, but because it is the right thing to do."   

Coming full circle, I find "companioning" to be one of the most effective ways I can honor myself, the other and the relationship.

I'll leave you with the words of my co-presenter, Dr. Mark Hein.  “As a therapist,” he says, “I’ve learned many techniques. But this is the simplest, most powerful way I’ve ever seen for one person to help another share deeply. And anyone can learn it.”  

I'd love to have you join us as we explore together how to "walk along" with one another.

~Namaste

~ Kate

"Listening to the Intimate Other" takes place on Saturday, Feb. 26, in Duncan, BC.  If you're too far away to come, consider the tele-seminar starting February 3, where you can learn deep listening from the comfort of your own home.   Interested? Write me at katemarsh@shaw.ca

The Practice of Honor

I live by my principles.

I cultivate the virtues and talents I have been given.

I treat others and myself with dignity and respect.

I am trustworthy in keeping my agreements.

I strive for impeccable integrity.

I do what I believe is right no matter what.

I am thankful for the gift of Honor.   It makes my life worthwhile.

Reflection Questions

What is honor calling me to?

How can I respect others while honoring myself?

Who would I like to appreciate and for what?

What are my highest principles?