Volume 44 - Nobility

“Our awesome responsibility to ourselves, to our children, and to the future is to create ourselves in the image of goodness, because the future depends on the nobility of our imaginings.”  Barbara Grizzuti Harrison

When I was a girl, I thought nobility was a term for a class of people.  Royalty.  And indeed that is one of the definitions -- however, it’s  Merriam-Webster Online’s #1 definition that  this blog post is about.  “Nobility of character,” to be exact.

no·bil·i·ty

noun \nō-ˈbi-lə-tē\

Definition of NOBILITY

1

: the quality or state of being noble in character, quality, or rank

2

: the body of persons forming the noble class in a country or state : aristocracy

I have had an opportunity of late to test my mettle, as they say, in regards to the nobility of my own character.  And it has been a test.  

As you may know, last fall I was elected to serve my neighbours and community as a  municipal councillor.

Right out of the gate the council has been challenged, both by the issues arising and by the people who have passionate feelings about them.

I have no problem with people’s passion --- it beats apathy every time.  I am saddened, though, by passion that turns ugly -- by attacks on character rather than criticisms of policy.  Attacks on people rather than ideas.

A young person recently attended a council meeting for the first time.   I later learned this young person heard a caustic verbal attack from the gallery about a member of council’s appearance.  The young person later asked the adult they came with, “Is that what they do there?”  How sad that young people showing an interest in their community are exposed to this kind of immaturity coming from the adult world -- the same adult world that champions anti-bullying messages.  No wonder good people are becoming disengaged from the political process at every level.

The backbiting and infighting that are standard practice at the provincial and federal levels -- the partisanship -- turned me off of those arenas long ago.  Sadly, I’ve discovered, partisanship and  attacks on character are alive and well at the local level, too.  

It dumbfounds me that motive and malice are attributed to people without just cause or evidence,  merely because they share their thoughts in a democratic process.  Sometimes character attacks are just as prevalent as substantive debate, or constructive ideas and feedback.

Probably sounds a lot like your workplace.

Unfortunately, when people attack individuals rather than decisions -- or suggest they have bad characters rather than bad ideas --  it hurts us all, our whole society.  It incites anger and ignites polarization in some people, and fuels apathy and cynicism in others.  It deeply hurts the wider community and any hope of unity.   

Once started, backbiting has a life of its own.  There is no way of knowing how far afield it has gone, or how it has been“embellished” (have you ever played the telephone game)?    

It robs us all of the kind of community we all crave.  An aware, involved and resilient community where people feel free to share ideas openly and work together to make their future strong.  A community where expressing one’s opinion in a respectful way is not only not maligned, but is valued.  An ever-evolving community.

Once  false accusations -- whether explicit or by innuendo -- get out in the public arena, they are there forever.  Trying to stop them is as futile as trying to pick up every grain from a cup of sand that has been tossed from a moving car.  

While  malicious gossip angers me, underneath that anger it just makes me sad.  Because we have to learn to work together --- to raise the level of discourse -- if we’re going to deal with the problems we collectively face.   We can’t do it by lowering ourselves to the “usual” level of discourse.  We have to rise above it.  We have to call on respect and courtesy, tolerance and acceptance.  We have to learn to get along for the greater good.  

I’m committed to not give tit for tat.   As my mom often reminded me, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”    I am committed to share the facts as I understand them -- and when slandered, to practice the Christian principle of turning the other cheek.  I’m not afraid to rest on my record and stand on my own holy ground.  My own integrity.  I will practice nobility.  This is a choice that I make.  

I don’t want to give the impression this is always easy -- it isn’t. And I’m not always successful;
sometimes I forget to use my “inside voice.”   Sometimes I even write the emails I would like to be able to send -- but don’t.  Sometimes I feel like calling people on their inconsistencies and projections.  But I remember the regrets I felt when I’ve done so, and remind myself that
“Feelings are much like waves:  We can’t stop them coming, but we can choose  which one to surf” (The Mankind Project).  I choose nobility. Sometimes moment to moment.


Linda Kavelin Popov tells us that “Nobility is keeping faith with our true value as spiritual beings.  It is living up to the virtues, the Divine trust within us.  We treat ourselves and others with dignity and respect.”  Even if they don’t particularly deserve it in that moment.  Even if their behaviour is anything but noble.

When we are being noble, she says, “we choose the moral high road regardless of the cost.  If others try to bring us down, we remain steadfast, remembering our true worth.”

Popov goes on to say that for being noble, “our sense of decency is our touchstone.  The world’s temptations cannot divert us from our purpose.  We don’t follow the path of least resistance.  We lead principled lives.  We live the good life.”

Noble people also abound in the community.

And I have begun to hear from them.  People who stepped on a grain of sand, or found one in their inbox, or were handed one when they were out doing their daily jot and tittle, or sitting in a local coffee shop reading the newspaper.  

People who recognize ignoble ploys and feel they are a darn shame.   I listen to their stories and my heart feels at peace and my hope is encouraged.  

~ Namaste

Kate

The Practice of Nobility

I know I was created noble.

I have high ethical standards.

I treat every person with dignity.

I am guided by decency.

I don’t allow others to mislead me.

I am my own leader.

I am thankful for the gift of Nobility.  It is my moral compass.

Reflection Questions

When have I paid the price of choosing the moral high ground?

What would help me  to remain steadfast when others attempt to bring me down?

What allows me to treat others with dignity, no matter how they treat me?

How can I resist the temptation to give tit for tat?

Volume 43 - Acceptance

John Lennon sagely sang: "life is what happens when you're busy making other plans".    That's sure been my experience over the 55 years of mine so far.  And often, that life involves situations we'd do anything to change.


After a series of major endeavors this fall --  running in an election, helping to mount a play and giving my annual virtues training, coupled with the painful and debilitating flare up of  fibromyalgia and a family members serious illness, I found myself in a state of exhaustion.   I literally  crashed for a couple of weeks.   This physical state made it impossible for me to muster the inner resources I needed to say my farewells to a woman I loved very much, before she died in early December.  I had been so out of touch the last few months of her life, I didn't even know how close her time to journey to the other side camp was.  When I heard she had taken that journey, I was heartbroken.

Not getting to say goodbye to this beautiful soul that I loved dearly, is a grief on top of the grief of losing her.  Yet I've had to find a way to come to acceptance -- that is the way things unfolded and there's nothing I can do to change it.  I don't get a do over.


Having an energy illness for the last 15 years (fibromyalgia) has meant many times facing the chasm between what I wanted to do and what I could do.    Losing my dear, dearly loved friend without looking one more time into her eyes, without being able to tell her one more time what she meant to me was one of those times.  I'm sure there will be many more times -- for me and for you.  Circumstances don't always match up in this life.  

I come to acceptance slowly,  often  reluctantly and sometimes almost literally, on my knees.

I used to look mainly  at acceptance as accepting the 'suchness' of others.  Accepting myself with all my flaws and inconsistencies, in my humanness.  After many years of conscious effort, acceptance of this kind has become easier.

 To accept situations, the unfolding of my life when it is  radically different from my hopes, dreams and plans is something I've always had trouble with.  

Linda Kavelin Popov writes about acceptance: "We are open to what is, rather than wishing for something different.  We face the truth in all circumstances with honesty and courage."

At first thought, we might think it's a no brainer, to accept what is. 

Accepting the reality of these situations is not difficult intellectually.  However, the meaning of the practice of the virtue of acceptance is not a mere passive lack of outward, behavioral attempts to change what is happening, or has happened, but rather a less tangible feeling or harmony with truly accepting (on a deep emotional level, so we are no longer railing against the truth) what I want to be different.   Even if I take no action against a situation, or there is no action I could take to change a particular situation, I could still be in a state of non acceptance.  And that is what causes suffering.

"Acceptance is embracing life on its own terms." LKP  The good and the bad.  

The good news is that through this process of coming to terms with Tootsie's death, of coming to acceptance, I have  once again learned to embrace life on its own terms in an ever deeper and more profound way.  The bad news, is it wasn't easy and it often didn't feel very good and it didn't come without considerable railing, whining and gnashing of teeth!  Getting to acceptance of so many  things we'd rather weren't true, is very much a process.

The serenity prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr helps me to discern what I can change and what I have to accept.  "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." 

 And  I have to begin the long process of changing what I can....something that for each of us is ongoing.  One of the 'teachable moments' for me was realizing that I was going to grieve no matter what I was doing and that indeed, once I stopped being imobilized by the feelings and took them with me, on a walk by the ocean, pottering in the garden, throwing a pot on the wheel in my studio,  clearing and cleaning and letting go of that which no longer served me in my environment, into the meetings I'm charged with attending, I was doing the emotional work of letting go, while doing something positive to make myself feel more in control of what I could control.

To process a loss involves grieving it, and letting go.  And that can't be done in a moment.  It's a process.  

 And like a newly transplanted plant, much of the initial growth occurs underground, not visible to the naked eye.  Watered by tears the roots of my character grow stronger, more resilient.  One day I awoke to realize, that I had come to new ground, I had  somehow, inexplicably, come to acceptance. 

And now, having come to acceptance of the loss of my friend and my inability to see her in her last few months, how has it changed me?

I feel a deeper well of joy inside me.  Though I still feel sad when I think of how much  I miss  her and what she is missing, somehow I take her with me.    She is a part of my life and who I am and nothing can ever change that.    I am a better person for having known her, loved and been loved by her,  and strangely,  even for having lost her....

And  for this, I am now and will ever be,  grateful.  

Questions for reflection:

What  in my life do I need to accept?

What are the teachable moments in this situation?

What virtues will help me to come to acceptance?

How can I  draw on the courage to change the things I can?

~ Namaste

Kate

Volume 42 - Responsibility

"My life is an influence on every life mine touches.  Whether I realize it or not, I am responsible and accountable for that influence." -- Ron Baron

My youngest child is learning to drive.  Hard to believe that my baby is that old already!  We've  come through a challenging time -- puberty -- when girls especially seem to bring out their more shadowy feelings.  Much of it is probably shifting hormones, but also, I think, much of it is their attempt to be more responsible.  To respond ably.  To grow to ultimately become responsible for their own lives.   

If our young people didn't begin to think for themselves, they would not become independent and responsible adults.

Anyway -- at my house, each school day for the last week, my daughter has been driving to school while I sit beside her, acting as chief coach and enthusiast.  I'm amazed at how well she's doing.  In fact, she drove home from the motor vehicle office where she got her "L" (learners permit -- which she must have for one year before she can take the driving test and graduate to her "N").   

Her father and I have each taken her driving on logging roads around our region over the last year, so she knows how to handle a car.   The challenge of course is to drive in traffic.  To know how to respond in various situations.  To feel comfortable hurtling down the road with other vehicles all around her.   She's been doing very well.  

This morning, though, we had a small incident.  Driving to the drop-off zone at the school, she misjudged the distance between the wheel of the car and the curb.  I tried to 'coach' her, but it was too late.  The car noisily scraped the curb.  As I got out to go around to the driver's seat for the trip home, I noticed several pieces of the plastic hubcap on the sidewalk.  She was mortified and insisted that she would pay for a new one.

Even though I assured her that would not be necessary, she has since texted me twice to insist that she felt she had to.  She feels terrible about this.

What strikes me about this incident is not only how responsible she feels, but also how responsible she would like to be.   How grown up she is becoming.  She wants to respond ably.

Linda Kavelin Popov tells us, "Responsibility is the willingness to be accountable for our choices.  Others can depend on us to do what we say we will do and to give our best effort.  We take on what is ours to do with commitment and reliability.  It is important to discern what responsibility belongs to us, and what belongs to others. ... We have the ability to respond ably."

I feel proud of my daughter in many ways.  This morning, I feel proud that she is willing to be accountable for something that she sees as her responsibility.  There will be plenty of time after school to explain to her that the responsibility to take care of the hubcap is mine, as her parent.

This is what we do as a society.  We support and care for our fledglings as they prepare to leave the nest.  There may be a time when, through a willful or unwise choice, my daughter breaks or damages property and it will be responsible for her to pay for it.  This is not one of those times.

I'm happy, however, that if and when that time comes, I have every confidence she will willingly take responsibility.

And for that, I am truly grateful.

Namaste

~ Kate

The Practice of Responsibility

I am accountable for what I do.

Others can rely on me.

I keep my agreements.

I give excellence to all that I do.

I focus on my own part, not someone else's.

I make amends for my mistakes.

I am thankful for the gift of Responsibility.  It helps me

to fulfill my purpose.

Reflection questions


To what in my life would I like to respond more ably?

How can I make amends for my mistakes?

What would allow me to be sure I can keep all my agreements?

What am I taking responsibility for that is not mine?

__________________________________________________________________________________

I've been writing for sometime now on the need to find more balance and moderation in my life.
If you find yourself being everything to everyone, not sure where your joy is anymore, exhausted and on edge, worried more than not you may want to consider A Pace of Grace  teleseminar.

Learning to live a pace of grace helps us to reclaim our energy, our time, and our health.  Simple practices grounded in the virtues of a sustainable life open us to a new flow of grace.

Join me from where ever you live in the world on Thursdays throughout the month of May and the first Thursday in June from 6:00 to 7:30 pm Pacific Standard time.

All you need is a phone.

For more information:

katemarsh@shaw.ca

Volume 41 - Respect

It took me all morning before I realized that it was February 2nd and for the first time in months I hadn't given a thought to writing this blog for the 1st of the month.

I wrote last month about the need for moderation in my life and I'm unhappy to report that I haven't managed to create a balance between work, rest and play so far.

When I decided to allow my name to stand to serve my community as councillor for the next three years, I truly had no idea what kind of time commitment I was making.

The sheer hours between meetings, trainings and reading rivals those of you working a full time job.  At this rate, the stipend comes out to  well below minimum wage.  Hardly what I think we should be offering the people charged with making decisions that will impact our lives and our local environment for decades to come.  (IMHP)

That aside, the most challenging aspect of the job for me thus far has been dealing with the public.  A fractious group of citizens who desire to influence council about taxes has begun attending meetings.  They are very confrontational, even threatening.  

They show up to meetings with their anger showing on their faces and in their bodies and fling around 'facts' that are misleading and downright wrong.  Rarely do they ask questions or attempt to get the facts.  Their minds are already made up and they accuse council and staff of not knowing the true state of affairs in the municipality.  

I'm so saddened by the lack of respect.  For the staff that run our municipality and for the individuals (also taxpayers by the way) who are attempting to provide the services that make our lives easier on a daily basis. 

Linda Kavelin Popov tells us that "respect is an attitude of honoring ourselves and others as people of dignity.  We care for each person's dignity.   Everyone has the right to expect respect.  We show respect in the courtesy of our words, and in our tone of voice.  We are all exquisitely sensitive to respect.  When we treat others as we would like to be treated, we raise the level of trust and peace in our relationships.  Respect is having reverence for the earth and all living things.  When we live respectfully, we are a source of grace in the world."

Before hearing anything about where individual members stand or council as a whole, these people came out attacking - not just potential positions, but the people charged with making them.  And the questions they asked seemed to be only to get their agenda on the floor, as they rebutted the answers with their own distorted 'facts'.

This early experience has been contrasted starkly for me by a public hearing that took place in chambers yesterday.  The hall was filled, mostly with neighbours who came to give input on the potential rezoning of a lot in their area that would allow the owner to build another home.

Their feelings were very strong, and there were two viewpoints.  Yes and no.  The beautiful thing about it was it was truly democracy in action.  Each speaker spoke their views and concerns eloquently and respectfully.  The difference was astonishing.  

At the end of the hearing I felt revived and refreshed.  This was community consultation.  When I commented on it and thanked them, they smiled and stood taller.  They filed out of the room, a group of neighbours, using and respecting the democratic process and those of us left to carry on the business of the day felt like part of a wonderful community. 

I'm afraid there are very few of us who can listen to angry vitriol and not feel defensive or at the very least, the need to protect and defend oneself.  It's hard to not feel personally attacked.

The challenges facing humanity are going to require everything we have.  The only way we have a hope is to learn how to consult together respectfully.   To allow everyone's viewpoint to be heard. To then enable the clash of differing opinions to hopefully ignite the spark of truth.

When we play the right/wrong  blame/shame game everyone loses.  

My hope for humanity is that we will learn to work together.

Namaste

~ Kate

"There is a longing among all people and creatures to have a sense of purpose and worth.  To satisfy that common longing in all of us we must respect each other."  Chief Dan George

The Practice of Respect

I treat myself and others with dignity.

I speak and act with courtesy.

I am a peace builder.

I expect respect at all times.

I honor the sacredness of all life.

I live graciously.

I am thankful for the gift of Respect.  It helps me to handle life with care.

Reflection Questions

How can I treat others with dignity?

What practices allow me to expect respect at all times?

What boundaries do I need to set to make sure I am respected?

How can I be a peace builder?

Volume 40 - Moderation

"Moderation is the silken thread running through the pearl chain of all virtues."  Joseph Hall

Sometimes on the every-day-a-thon of life we can get very out of balance.  Moderation has been my greatest challenge virtue.  (okay, maybe it's a tie between moderation and orderliness)

Linda Kavelin Popov, co-founder  of the Virtues Project and author of A Pace of Grace, The Virtues of a Sustainable Life learned the hard way about the importance of moderation when her practice of being everything to everyone, what she calls the E type personality, resulted in being blindsided and laid low by post polio syndrome.

Those of us with energy illnesses are often the people who push themselves to the limit, over and over again, seemingly unable to practice moderation.  I have learned the need to  practice moderation over and over again in my life, since coming down with the mysterious syndrome we call Fibromyalgia.    And when I practice moderation, my symptoms improve and my energy increases.  Then once I've been feeling fabulous for a while, the old pattern of over doing rears its head once again.

From fall into winter this past year,  my life became anything but moderate.  It's easy for me to get out of balance.  It's a long standing pattern in my life.

Between work and campaigning and service, I lost track of my time to just be.  And my body has been telling me in no uncertain terms that the way I've been putting out is not sustainable.  (ouch)

Today, my family had a virtues pick.  And one of us chose moderation.  Though it wasn't the virtue that came to me, I knew it was one I want and need to cultivate as I take up my duties in 2012 as newly elected municipal councillor and seek once again the balance that comes with moderation.

Over the holidays, I passed my long neglected harp with the several broken strings and sadly realized that what I need more of in 2012 is to make the time to play.  (and a new set of harp strings)   Not just play the harp, but read more novels, do more soul collage, throw more pots.  (and do more pottering - just taking an afternoon now and then to do whatever calls to me around the house)

Maybe after reading about it, you'll discover you could use more moderation too.

"Moderation is being content with enough.  It is using self-discipline to create healthy balance between work, rest, reflection and play.   Moderation protects us from the pull of addictive desires.  We do not grasp to do or have more in the belief that we are lacking.  We do not try to be everything to everyone.   We set healthy boundaries that value our time and energy.  We protect ourselves from the stress of overdoing.  We discern our own perfect rhythm.  Moderation isn't deprivation.  It is loving ourselves enough to choose what is just right."  LKP

Just over three years ago, I made a commitment to write this blog each and every month.  I wanted to be trustworthy.  To my surprise, I've kept the commitment with the help of self-discipline.

Now I'm going to use self-discipline and moderation  to help me keep my commitment to balance and moderation in my life.  To my morning yoga practice I am going to add sitting meditation.  I'm going to buy harp strings, take another pottery class and create a space for soul collage.    This afternoon I even took a nap, a luxury I rarely afford myself.   I'm going to ask for more cooperation from the people I live with around household chores so that the time I need to play is easily found.

 If I'm not grounded, centered and energized, what good could I possibly be to others or the world?

Tich Nhat Hanh said, "If in our daily life we can smile, if we can be peaceful and happy, not only we, but everyone will profit from it.   This is the most basic kind of peace work."

As we enter a year that appears poised to bring dramatic and sweeping  global changes - politically, economically and environmentally, I've come to realize that one of the best things I can do for the world is to practice moderation in my  own life so that when I do show up to serve my community, I'm coming from a good place.

I invite you to consider doing the same.  

May 2012 be a year of joy and peace for you and yours and may you take hold of the silken thread of moderation to help you string together a life that serves and delights you as well as serving whatever community you find yourself in.  

Namaste

~ Kate

The Practice of Moderation


I spend my time and energy sustainably.

I remember to pray and to play.

I am free of addictions.

I carry responsibility wisely.

I protect myself from the stress of excess.

I live gently and gracefully.

Reflection questions


What represents play to me?

How can I allow myself to play more?

What practices would help me to live a more sustainable life?

How can I live more gently and gracefully?

Volume 39 - Humanity

Who are we?   Why are we here?  What matters?
What if our mission statement was Meg Wheatley's plea: "Take care of yourself.  Take care of each other.  Take care of this place"?   

These questions and their answers must be the heart of our communities.  If we don't ask these questions and live our answers, we have no basic understanding of and agreement about what we are doing here, no agreement about why we belong together.

This past November 11th -- Remembrance Day here in Canada -- I stood, as I do every year,  with some of my neighbours near the cenotaph in the beautiful little seaside village I call home, honouring those who have died in war. 

Listening to the local high school band (including my daughter and her friends) playing for the event, remembering an uncle whom I never had the pleasure to meet, the tears flowed.  

I always feel emotional at the Remembrance Day ceremony, partly because my  uncle -- Cpl. Roy Ovington --  who grew up here on Vancouver Island, at Youbou, died in battle at the tender age of 19.  Partly for the tens of millions of people who have died at the hands of other people.  Partly because humanity is still at war, though I've now lived through 54 Remembrance Days and heard the same pleas for peace.  

For some reason, this year, I felt especially emotional, looking around the crowd.  Perhaps because my only son is about to turn 20, and has his whole life ahead of him, and my uncle didn't get his.  Perhaps because the better world we were supposedly creating by fighting those wars hasn't materialized for most of humanity.  

I looked around and saw the familiar faces of the neighbours I see day to day or month to month, year after year -- and as I saw them, I remembered their back stories.  The pain they have felt, the challenges they have faced.  What they have endured.    

Being human involves suffering.  Things don't always go smoothly, in the life of an individual, a family, a community, a nation.  We humans are always struggling to make our world -- no matter how big that is to us -- a better place.  


When we are really in the thick of some of what life hands us (a terminal illness, a loss by death or divorce, loss of employment or a long cherished dream), our world can feel pretty small.  Many of our brothers and sisters around the planet are imprisoned in the tiny, terrorized worlds of war zones or abject poverty, slowly dying from hunger and disease.


It struck me, standing there with tears in my eyes, that really, at the heart of it, we're more the same than we think.  That we all want the same things, though we have different ideas about how to get them.
  
What do we all want?  


I think we all want to live in a place where healthy, happy people of all  ages live together peaceably and productively, in communities that cooperate ... with each other, and with the land we live on.   A world that is at peace.  What prevents this?  I don't think humanity as a group has learned how to live  the virtue of  humanity.


To practice the virtue of humanity,  Linda Kavelin Popov reminds us,  "We must have an attitude of caring and mercy towards all people.  All of us breathe the same air.  All of us care about our children's future.  We all suffer and we all rejoice.  Though in the big scheme of things, each individual is small, we are one of a kind, irreplaceable.  We lose our humanity whenever we generalize about a group of people and separate ourselves from them because of external characteristics, like race or gender."  


I think we lose our humanity when we generalize about a group of people and separate ourselves based on religion or political ideology as well.  There is no "they," only "us."


I recently was elected to the Council in the municipality where I live.  I talked a lot about inclusiveness, about communication, about working on making it possible for marginalized people in our area to make a life here.  It's become very clear to me that we can create the kind of community we all want.  The kind of world community where individuals rise above the narrow confines of personal concerns, and serve the broader concerns of their neighbors.  
The wider concerns of humanity.


Bruce Lee had it right when he said being "willing is not enough; we must do.  Knowing is not enough; we must apply."


To really remember and honour those who died in battles -- both soldiers and civilians -- we ought to become the kind of community, worldwide, that they sacrificed their lives for.  

Together, we can. 


 Namaste ~ Kate


The Practice of Humanity


I feel a common bond with all people.


I value each and every person as an individual.


I refrain from prejudice.


I feel empathy for the suffering of others.


I have a passion for compassion.


I offer humanitarian service.


I am thankful for the gift of Humanity.  It connects me to all people.


Reflection Questions


What service does my humanity call me to?


What action would help me answer the call?