Volume 6 - Love

I decided, early last month to write about the virtue of love for February. After all, don't we celebrate 'love' this month? I intended to write about love in general, rather than romantic love in particular. As a single woman, who in many ways, would 'love' to find a romantic partner that fits (and sticks), I have often felt a tug of sadness and longing on Valentine's Day.


Truth be told, until I decided to seek for love within, rather than without, an insistent longing began to manifest inside me, each year, around the holidays.


I suspect there are others who share those feelings.


As the end of the month came closer and I sat down to write, I realized I had made a lofty goal for myself. I had naively thought this would be an easy virtue to write about, piece of cake, motherhood and apple pie; love is, well, it's basically what we're all about, right?


When you think about it, what is love? We use the word to describe our feelings about so many things, blithely bursting out, I love your hair, I love kiwi fruit, I love _________. We use the 'l' word to describe our feelings about anything from avocados to God.


Socrates taught us that the beginning of wisdom is the clear definition of terms.


What then, is love? Feeling slightly inadequate to the task of defining such an all encompassing virtue, I sought the wisdom of others, who's thoughts and opinions I deeply respect.


Many years ago, in the Road Less Travelled, M. Scott Peck told us, "Love is not a feeling. Love is an action, an activity.....Genuine love implies commitment and the exercise of wisdom....love as the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth....true love is an act of will that often transcends ephemeral feelings of love or cathexis, it is correct to say, 'Love is as love does'. "


Quantum physics' guru, Deepak Chopra again reminds us that "Love is not just a sentiment। Love is the ultimate truth at the heart of creation। When you have the experience of love, either giving it or receiving it, you become magnanimous to the rest of the world. That's why people in love can do extraordinary things!"


Don't we know this, from experience? The times I have been 'in love', have been the most energizing, productive and physically healthy times I've known. Whether the love was directed towards a lover, a child, a place, a new job or business, a dream or an ideal.


In fact, when my last 'romance' ended, and I found myself in the 'doldrums', wishing for love, (that may or may not show up, and really, do I want to be less than alive before it does?), I decided I would begin to learn to 'really love myself', a cliche that may be easy to say, yet in practice, for many of us, not as easy to do.


Studies have shown over and over, the importance of love and intimacy in our lives.
"Love cures people - both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it." Karl Menninger


Four decades ago, The Beatles' first sang, 'All You Need is Love'.


Penned by John Lennon, the song debuted on Our World, the first live, international, satellite TV production, broadcast in June of 1967. Artists from 19 countries performed for the show that had the largest television audience in history at the time, estimated to be 400 million people around the globe.


Wanting to spread a message of peace and love to the world at the height of the war in Vietnam, the song was composed specifically for the show and remarkably, only rehearsed once, yet Rolling Stone magazine ranked it # 365 in their 500 greatest songs of all time.


"It was an inspired song and they really wanted to give the world a message, "said manager, Brian Epstein. "The nice thing about it is that it cannot be misinterpreted. It is a clear message saying that love is everything." We have oft heard the phrase, "Love is all there is."


How can we live in love in relation to the people in our lives? Friends, family, co-workers and lovers; the strangers in our midst; the planet that's in peril and our own precious souls?


Rumi sagely said, "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."


According to, Dr. 'love', Leo Buscalia, who gave a non-credit university course called Love 1A, and made a study of the subject for over 25 years, "love is life . And if you miss love, you miss life."


Linda Kavelin Popov says that love is the vital force at the center of our being that gives us energy and direction and connects one heart with another.


"Love is irresistable attraction and affection for a person, a place, an idea or even for life itself."


How do we show our love? "Love is cherishing others, treating them with tenderness. Love thrives on acceptance and appreciation."


When love is given or received, it "has the power to heal. It calls us to continually hone ourselves, while releasing the need to control or make someone in our image. Nurtured by commitment and seasoned by kindness, love is our greatest gift." LKP



Related to the need for love is the study of babies in orphanages that died if they were merely fed and diapered but not held and touched. We all need to be loved and just as important, we all need someone to love.


Not only does love have the power to heal, the lack of it, is the cause of much of the ills in the world. Without love, though we may have food and shelter, people begin to die.


Dr. Chopra further suggests, "You can trace all violence to the lack of or having poor relationships, either in childhood or in romantic relationships. I think all the people in the world who commit violent crimes or who are engaged in terrorism at some point experienced a deep lack of love."


Or put more succinctly, in the words of Bill Cosby, "Hurt people, hurt people."


Mother Teresa, who's life was an icon of unconditional love put it this way: There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.

In his book Love and Survival, 8 Pathways to Intimacy and Health, Dr. Dean Ornish puts forward a powerful idea, "Our survival depends on the healing power of love, intimacy and relationships. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. As individuals. As communities. As a country. As a culture. Perhaps even as a species."



"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around," Leo Buscalia reminds us. "We live in a small world. Not a leaf falls that doesn't affect a myriad of things. When we reach out to someone in love and the effect is made - everyone, everything which comes in contact with the person we've effected is better for it." (even, and maybe especially, if that someone we reach out to, is ourselves)


I'm not much for new years resolutions, but as winter quickly wends toward spring, and new life begins to explode all around, I will continue to seek to find all the barriers within myself that I have built against love, (of others and myself) and piece by peace (sic) remove them.


I invite you to join me.


Namaste


~ Kate




The Practice of Love


I allow myself to connect deeply.


I commit myself wholeheartedly.


I show love through acts of kindness.


I accept and appreciate the ones I love.


I do the work on myself that love requires.


I cherish the loves of my life.




Reflection questions:




How do I show love to myself?


To whom am I committed in love?


What do I love doing more than anything else?


What barriers have I built against love?

One of the greatest things we can do to show love to others, is to really listen to them.

If you would like to hone your listening skills you may be interested in my upcoming teleseminar on The Art of Spiritual Companioning - Deep Listening.

February 11, 18, 25 and March 4th, in the comfort of your own home.

litlefox@island.net for more information.

Volume 5 - Justice

 My strong feelings about the latest outbreak of violence in the middle east planted the idea to write about justice.  When I finally sat down at the keyboard, it crossed my mind that this was New Year's Day. Many people worldwide use this marker as a time to make resolutions for the upcoming year.  So perhaps, I thought to myself, I should write about something that would support those folks in keeping those resolutions.........I was conflicted and unsure.....

So I did what I often do  when seeking guidance, I picked up the beautiful Japanese drawstring bag that is home to my virtues reflection cards (100 of them) said a little prayer and blindly pulled a card.  Any fellow Virtues Project enthusiasts who may be reading this will smile to learn that I randomly pulled out the virtue of justice!  (1% odds).   :-)

Justice is generally understood to mean what is right, fair appropriate and deserved.  How does humanity collectively decide what constitutes justice? 

 

Humanity has been debating and refining  this for eons. 

In 1946,  on the heels of the atrocious human rights violations perpetrated during World War II,   the United Nations established a Human Rights Commission.  On December 10, 1948, they adopted and proclaimed  The Universal Declaration of Human Rights, which you can read at www.un.org/Overview/rights.html

It's based on the recognition of the inherent dignity and of the equal and inalienable rights of each member of the human family which serve as the foundation of freedom, justice and peace in the world.

It's clear, that though much progress has been made, (obviously more in some places than others), there is still a long way to go, to ensure that globally, these rights are upheld.  Even in our own country, we are falling short, though sixty years have passed since it's inception.

In one of the richest countries in the world, (though the overall poverty rate in Canada has fallen steeply, from 15.7 per cent in 1996, to 10.8 percent in 2005),  we still can't provide a living wage for all of our people, nor ensure everyone has a warm and safe place to lay their heads at night.  We are constantly reminded  of the increasing necessity for working families in Canada to visit food banks to make ends meet as well as the ever burgeoning homeless population.  (all this when the economy was supposedly doing well)  

And these are the obvious injustices, the 'in your face' kinds of problems.  There's also the less visible injustices,  the kinds of things that go on, 'behind closed doors', such as the 1993 statistics Canada finding that almost 1/3 of the women in Canada have been physically or sexually abused by a 'partner', or the Canadian Incidence Study of Reported Child Abuse and Neglect which suggests that the incidence of 'reported' child abuse and neglect  shot up by 125 percent, compared to figures recorded in 1998.  Or the estimated 4 to 10 percent of seniors that are the victims of 'elder abuse' as reported by the National Seniors Council.  It is generally accepted that reported incidences of abuse do not reflect 'actual' incidences of abuse as much goes unreported.  

Sadly, though we are 'talking a good talk' in the 21st century, when I look around our world, both the small world that I live in on a daily basis and the larger world that I live in along with 6 billion plus others, I can see much injustice.  And being one little soul, it's easy to helplessly wonder, "what can I possibly do to change anything?"

I wish I could wave a magic wand or recite a powerful incantation and everyone, everywhere would have enough to eat, clean water to drink, warm and safe shelter in which to sleep, and loving  and nurturing companions to journey with on their path through this life.  But, alas, this is not a fairy tale, and I do not have that power.

What  then, can I do?

I am reminded of the oft exhorted phrase, be the change you want to see.

Albert Schweitzer said, "Civilization can only revive when there shall come into being in a number of individuals a new tone of mind, independent of the prevalent one among the crowds, and an opposition to it -- a tone of  mind which will gradually win over the collective one, and in the end determine its character.  Only an ethical movement can rescue us from barbarism, and the ethical comes into existence only in individuals."

Eleanor Roosevelt chaired  the  aforementioned, UN Commission on Human Rights and suggested "Where, after all, do universal human rights begin?  In small places, close to home - so close and so small that they cannot be seen on any maps of the world.  Yet they are the world of the individual person; the neighborhood he lives in; the school or college he attends; the factory, farm, or office where he works.  Such are the places where every man, woman, and child seeks equal justice, equal opportunity, equal dignity without discrimination.  Unless these rights have meaning there, they have little  meaning anywhere.   Without concerted citizen action to uphold them close to home, we shall look in vain for progress in the larger world." 

So, as well as supporting organizations that work for justice in the wider world,  I can work for justice right where I live.  In the interactions and decisions  of my daily life.

Linda Kavelin Popov describes the practice of justice as "being fair in all that we do.  We continually look for the truth, not bowing to other's judgments or perceptions.  We do not backbite.  We clear up problems face to face.  We make agreements that benefit everyone equally.  When we commit a wrong, we are honest in correcting it and making amends.  If someone is hurting us, it is just to stop them.  It is never just for strong people to hurt weaker people.  With justice, we protect everyone's rights.  Sometimes when we stand for justice, we stand alone."

"Thou shalt not be a victim.  Thou shalt not be a perpetrator.  Above all, thou shalt not be a bystander."  Holocaust Museum, Washington, DC

My new year's  hope and vision is justice for all, and I resolve to practice the virtue of justice in all my affairs, and to stand up for justice,  whenever I can, even if I stand alone.  I invite you to join me and together we can take another step closer to creating the kind of world the human family is capable of having.    May it be this generation.

Namaste

~ Kate

The Practice of Justice

I think for myself.

I do not engage in prejudice or backbiting.

I make fair agreements.

I make restitution for my mistakes.

I honor people's rights, including my own.

I have the courage to stand up for the truth.

I am thankful for the gift of Justice.  It is the guardian of my integrity.

Reflection questions:

What practices does justice call me to?

How can I stand for justice, even if it means standing alone?

What is the truth that I need to stand for?

What would give me the humility to own and make restitution for my mistakes?

Gratitude Volume 4

I thought it was logical to write about gratitude or thankfulness last month, since October 1st was right in the middle of the Canadian and US Thanksgiving holidays.   Then I was swept away by 'Obamamania', and decided to write from my heart, about the hope and optimism I was feeling. 

 I'd postpone gratitude for this month, I decided.  After all, it was right on the heels of the US Thanksgiving, so still in the ball park.    And  after the 4th of November, I felt I had something big to be thankful for.  

Well, I'm still writing about Gratitude,  just not in the way I imagined. 

 Cicero opined that, "Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others."

What do parents do for us? 

 

They look after us, our health and well being, making sure we eat right, get enough rest and  exercise, do our homework and contribute to the family; and those exemplary parents, take it a step further and make sure we contribute to our community, in acts of service.  How can we relate this to Cicero's idea of gratitude as the parent of all other virtues?

Dr.'s  Michael McCollough (South Western Methodist University, Dallas TX) and  Robert Emmons (U of CA at Davis), wrote an article about their findings on gratitude and it's impact on well-being.

The results of a scientific  study they conducted showed that people who had a daily practice of gratitude report higher levels of alertness,  determination, energy, enthusiasm and optimism, which probably doesn't sound too surprising, however, what I found interesting was the gratitude group experienced less stress and depression and were more likely to exercise regularly, help others and make greater progress towards personal goals.  Powerful stuff.

Moving to gratitude can take us from depression to joy, from apathy to alertness and determination, from fatigue to energy, even enthusiasm and optimism.  An attitude of gratitude helps us stay and become healthier and more able to contribute to the world around us.  In his book, "Thanks!: How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier", Dr. Emmons shows that  regularly practicing  and expressing gratitude can increase our level of happiness by about 25%!   

What might that look like in our everyday lives?  (you know, that place where stuff happens?)

Linda Kavelin Popov tell us that, "Gratitude is a constant attitude of thankfulness and appreciation for life as it unfolds. (sic) Living in the moment, we are open to abundance around us and within us.  We express appreciation freely.  We contemplate the richness of our life.  We feast on beauty.  We notice small graces and are thankful for daily gifts.  In life's trials, we seek to understand, to accept, and to learn.  Gratitude is the essence of genuine happiness.  It is a virtue we can never have too much of.  Gratitude is a continual celebration of life." 

It's been a busy few weeks and I've been feeling pretty overwhelmed.  I left home yesterday, feeling on the verge of anxiety or tears, not really knowing why. Perhaps because the weekend hadn't been the restful, peaceful retreat I had hoped and planned for?  What I really wanted was to curl up with the novel I'm reading and take the day off.  Deadlines and family commitments precluded this possibility however, so I decided to make the best of it.  What could I be grateful for?  Well, I could use the time to get some things done.

I planned to write this month's newsletter, at the  library  in the city near my small town, while waiting for my youngest to finish her three hour dance class.

First I'd pack in  some errands, so perhaps I'd get some novel time, tomorrow.  The holidays are coming, and it was the last day to get  a 'six pac' of lift tickets on sale.  I remembered that  and headed right over to the sporting goods store.  They even gave me a nice little envelope and gift card.  I  even took some time for some light banter; life was good.  

A short walk to the dollar store and I managed to get supplies for the workshop I'm facilitating next Saturday,  AND for the gift basket her school class is going to raffle off at the upcoming Breakfast with Santa fundraiser.   Yes, things were working out!   

Now, just two more stops,  and I would head over to the library to write this newsletter, and all things going well, swim a few laps before the end of dance class.    Isn't life great?  So much to be grateful for.

  I stopped in at Staples, to get one of those digital photo frames for my parents.  That's where it started to get interesting........

I'll just put this in the car, to free my hands for the next thing on my list, a gift for my 28 year old daughter.  I'll just slip it in here, with my laptop, hidden in my 'swim bag' on the front seat of the car....just stick the towel on  top for good measure.   

Things are flowing along nicely, and I'm starting to feel, if not exactly grounded, at least a sense of  balance. I imagine how good I'm going to feel, after a 20 minute swim.  Yes, life is good.

I'm heading to the jewelry store in the mall, one of many local  businesses that are sadly 'closing their doors' this season in my beloved little valley, when what do I see, a Source clearance center.  I pop in and pick up a new deluxe set of earbuds for my son, who is rarely seen without his Ipod strapped to his body.  Feels like some kind of synchronicity going on.  I love days like this, I'm thinking.  

I reach into my pocket to get my keychain change purse, to pay for the buds and......... what?  Oh, I must have put it in my bag.....reaching down and rumbling through the contents of my bag I find.......a spilt bottle of Ibuprofen, some old receipts, a brush, my wallet, but no keychain change purse, which means........ NO CAR KEYS!   I frantically begin to search my pockets again, then  the counter, the two aisles I had been browsing and NOTHING.   I quickly pay for the ear buds and rush out to the car. 

Peering inside I can clearly see,  no keys in the ignition.   My granny bag (sewn from old recycled fabric), was sitting on the passenger seat, my laptop and the digital frame carefully tucked inside, cleverly concealed by  the bathing towel purposefully spilling out the top.   But alas, no keys in sight.  Then it occurred to me.  What if I had left the keys in the door, sticking out of the lock? 

And if I had,  since they were no longer there, that meant that whoever potentially had the keys, not only had the considerable cash in the change purse, but also a means to get into the car. Stealing the car, I could handle.  I have insurance for that.  But stealing my laptop, that would be another matter, my whole working life is highly intertwined with that laptop.   Feelings of optimism and gratitude are slipping far, far away and somewhere deep in my unconscious mind, I am quickly moving to 'fight or flight'.

 

Sheesh!  Now what? 

 There was only about an hour and fifteen minutes for me to solve this problem and get to the community center in time to pick my daughter up from her class.  (a long walk from where I was, if I didn't find my keys!)

I wandered back into Staples for the umpteenth time, and feeling totally alone and without any friends (a story I can tell myself when I get on an old familiar perch, 'The Pity Pot") (nobody loves me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms....etc)   

Right about this time I see two friends, heading my way.   A hardworking couple, business people from the little town I live in 20 minutes up the highway.  I must look ill or something because as they approach she has this look of deep empathy on her face.   Her gentle, "How are you?" and open arms is met with a burst of tears that surprises all three of us.  My  'internal critic' is having a field day as I tell them the story.   Kindly, they offer their help.  We go outside and have a look at the car and talk more about what could have  happened.  They agree, it's entirely possible that the key is at large.  I tell them I'm going to phone my older daughter and ask her to bring me the spare key from home.  Off they go to do their shopping, but before they leave, he says, we'll be back in twenty minutes to see how you've made out. 

 I call my older daughter on her cell.   She is at work, but offers to run by the house and get the spare key.  She calls her dear friends to meet her at her work, pick it up and run it to me.  Twenty minutes later, as I look over all the keys they've brought and realize the spare is not among them, the original couple come back to check.   They offer to take me to get Holly.  She drives me, he stands guard beside the car, (his suggestion) just in case.

Now back, from picking up Holly, (a relief) and checking at the hardware store to see if they can cut a key from the factory code, which had arrived with the lot of keys, (they can't),  the car dealership, that could (if they were open on a Sunday afternoon) my friends, who can really do nothing more, (since I don't want to leave the car there overnight, just in case the key is out there somewhere), leave to finish their shopping. (with their cell number carefully written down and in my wallet)

  I call a towing company.   Twenty minutes and forty-five dollars later, I find my keys, sitting on the seat, just under the towel that was carefully placed to camoflauge my  electronics.  A great big rush of gratitude! 

Though earlier, I was exhausted, stressed and tearful and anything BUT grateful, as each helper appeared on the scene, my gratitude began to grow.  By the time the ordeal was over, several hours after it had begun, I was standing in the parking lot of Staples, now revived, relieved and  inexplicably happy.      

Just as I am about to get into the car, keys in hand,  a security guard from the mall comes up and asks if I am the person who lost her keys.  Seems he and his partner have searched the mall and he's now coming outside to check the parking lot.  I explain that I got them and I thank him.   I feel blessed by the days challenge.  I feel content.

Though at first I felt scared, alone and pitiful (or full of pity)  I learned, yet again, that I am not alone. All around me, every day, are folks who love and care and want to help.   I met about a half a dozen of them yesterday, serendipitously, and having them walk along beside me,  even only briefly, helped transform a stressful event in an individual's life  into a community building opportunity.    I came home, feeling better than when I left, in spite of the tests I encountered on this leg of the journey.   I feel blessed, and for that, I am truly, thankful.

Namaste`

~ Kate

The Practice of Gratitude:

I am grateful for my life.

I perceive the blessings in each moment.

I continually express appreciation.

I reflect on the good things of life.

I find value in my tests.

I celebrate abundance.

I am happy.

Reflection questions:

For what am I grateful?

What does an attitude of gratitude bring me in times of tests?

When has thankfulness soothed my sadness and restored my hope?

What does gratitude call me to today?

Optimism - Volume 3

It was hard to decide what I wanted to write about this month. I've been mulling it over for a couple of weeks now.   I had decided on  Thankfulness.  It seemed timely, right in between the Canadian and the US thanksgiving celebrations.   I thought I would write about thankfulness.  It made sense.  But I started writing and realized what I was describing (though I am thankful for it) was a growing feeling of optimism.  

Yes, this is the 'thanksgiving season' in North America, yet we are also between the Canadian and the US federal elections and somehow I needed to  write about that.   About my hopefulness, the optimism I feel about the world and it's future.  Right smack in the middle of the biggest economic crisis facing the planet in eighty plus years, I am feeling more optimistic than I can remember feeling since I last fell in love.

For the first time in my life, though I live in Canada,  (as a dual citizen) I have exercised my right to vote in the US elections.    I've never felt optimistic  enough about the outcome of  a pending election before to go to the trouble to apply and get registered.   But something about this election changed all that.

Don't get me wrong, I don't like partisan politics.   I don't think we have a system of government yet functioning  on the planet (that I am aware of anyway) that is capable of solving the problems we face as a species.   But I do think we need one.  I do think it's imperative, that somehow, we get one.  And I do think we are more capable than ever before of creating one.

At this time in history, with the global economic meltdown, the global warming crisis, the world hunger situation,  the devastation in Africa caused by aids, the many wars raging across the planet, and the despair and hopelessness of many of it's inhabitants,  I believe the US  election this November 4th is critical in a way that it has not been for many decades.  Maybe never before.

 It may even be possible that the results of this election could  impact the very future of humanity on this planet.  

Can we afford to go on with more of the same?   Not just in the United States and the so called 'free world', but anywhere on this big beautiful earth?   The 'we're' right, 'they're' wrong kind of thinking that has gotten us in so much trouble?  Not in any one country mind you, but entrenched over many countries and ideologies.  

Though I've never joined a political party, or been a fan of partisan politics, I've always naturally leaned more to the left.   I like the idea of looking out for each other.  It's a basic instinct I have highly developed.   Maybe it's the mother in me.  I can see truths in many paths, but the highest one it seems to me, is to take care of those who are less fortunate (for whatever reason).   Seems not only loving, but wise.  

I follow politics because  politics and politicians impact all of our lives.  Though I briefly considered running myself after being  approached by a party, I decided that the system was too broken to be able to make much of a difference and the divisive and caustic game of partisan politics was not a cause I was willing to sacrifice my joy for.  

 

 This is the first time I can remember, feeling like a candidate might 'truly make a difference', maybe my parents generation felt it around John F. Kennedy, or Bobby Kennedy.   I feel it now.  That sense of hope, that optimism.   When I read the book, "The Audacity of Hope" I thought, this is the kind of man we need to be in a leadership role in this world and when I first heard the rumour that Barack Obama may run for president of the United States, something inside me quickened.  I 'hope' so, was my response.

I don't think Barack Obama is some kind of magician, but I am optimistic that he just might possess a particular combination of intellect, humility, wisdom, grace and  real leadership that is needed by  the world right now, needed  to begin the long and challenging job of building bridges instead of walls.  Of building unity, instead of  creating more division.  Of seeing that we have to learn to live together on this planet as one race, the human race, if we are to ever learn to solve the problems facing it and us, and doing what it takes to learn how to do that.

It's not so much his left leanings, but rather his inclusiveness, his willingness to work with 'both sides' potentially with 'all sides' of the equation.   His recognition that 'might does not make right' and that power, control and domination does not for peace  and unity make.  I learned that lesson well, as  a young mother.   There is no real peace when it is won by force.   There is only the illusion of calm, before the next storm.  

But even if I'm wrong, even if it ends up being politics as usual, he has accomplished one thing that is new.  He and his campaign have managed to mobilize a generation and bring people together in support of him and his vision of America, in a way that I don't think has been done before.  

He has given 'hope' to many who had none.

Joe Batten said, "The first task of a leader is to keep hope alive."  

I have seen hope come alive, across the United States of America, spilling over the border into Canada, crossing the ocean to Europe, Asia, even Africa.  All  around the globe, hope has been ignited in in the hearts of those who perhaps  had become 'hopeless'.   It's almost palpable.  And young people, in record numbers are getting involved in the political process.  Apathy has been replaced by optimism.

"Optimism is a positive, cheerful outlook.  When we are optimistic, we are hopeful even when others have lost faith.  We believe that good has the power to prevail over evil.  We do not allow ourselves to be victimized by setbacks or losses.  We embrace challenges with confidence and vitality.  We are solvers, not complainers.  In the midst of dark times, we look to the future with a vision of what is possible.  We trust that everything works together for good.  Nothing can destroy our hope."  reprinted with permission from Virtues Reflections Cards, by Linda Kavelin Popov

I'm inspired that someone who said "there is not a liberal America and a conservative America; there is a United States of America."  has gotten this far in a political process that all eyes are watching.  This gives me hope, this gives me optimism.

There is not a liberal humanity, and a conservative humanity but one humanity, the human race.  Our job  as it's members is to  learn to embrace and work with the diversity that is humanity, and somehow  out of it all,  create unity.  Not unity of thought or religion or even  politics or creed, but  a unity of spirit that respects differing opinions, but can uphold the rights of all people to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  

We can't do it alone.  We can do it together.   We need leaders and policy makers that are willing to hold up  and work for this ideal.    Leaders that are willing to listen to each other with respect, (no matter if they are left, right or center) set strong clear boundaries,(while protecting the sanctity of life)  learn from the teachable moments our world is so rife with at this important juncture and honor the spirits of the peoples of this beautiful world.   Leaders who can listen as well as talk.

Ralph Nader said, "The function of leadership is to produce more leaders, not more followers." We need leaders that inspire and draw out the leadership in all of us.

May it be this generation.

The Practice of Optimism

I have a positive viewpoint.

I have faith in all circumstances.

I trust in positive outcomes.

I focus on solutions rather than problems.

I see a brighter future.

My hope is resilient.

I am thankful for the gift of Optimism.  It cheers me on.

Reflection questions:

What am I optimistic about?

How do I keep optimism alive when faced with setbacks or losses?

What virtues can I draw on to see the future with a vision of what is possible?

What solutions would I like to focus on in my life at this time?

Detachment - Volume 2

What thoughts come into your mind when you hear the word 'detachment'? Until I discovered the Virtues Project, if anyone had told me I would benefit in anyway by being detached, I would have thought they were asking me to be unfeeling and selfish.

I mean, love is the most important thing to me...love is all there is, right? How can I be detached from the things, situations and people that matter to me?

I had the idea, that to 'detach' from something - a person, a place, a situation, meant I did not love it, or I was not a loving person. I was mistaken.

"Detachment is experiencing your feelings without allowing your feelings to control you. It is choosing how you will react in a situation rather than just reacting… Detachment is a way to use thinking and feeling together, so that you don't let your feelings run away with you."-From the Virtues Project cards, with permission from The Virtues Project™

When life presents us with challenges, when things happen that we wish did not, we're likely to have strong feelings about it. Last month I wrote about the journey I had with acceptance over the last year as I came to terms with some  very deep and personal losses I had sustained. 

Zen wisdom teaches that knowing the question is the first step towards knowing the answer. I asked the question, what virtues can I call on to sustain me through this difficult time?

One of the answers I got was detachment. (seek and ye shall find) With the help of detachment, I learned to let go and accept what I couldn't change. I felt my feelings, but used thinking and feeling together to choose how to react.

Melody Beattie tells us that "detachment is not a cold, hostile withdrawal; a resigned, despairing acceptance of anything life and people throw our way; a robotical walk through life oblivious to, and totally unaffected by people and problems; .......nor is it a removal of our love and concern.....Ideally' she tell us, 'detachment is releasing or detaching from a person or problem in love......." (and trusting) that "worrying doesn't help."

When something happens that we neither planned nor wanted, or someone in our life does something, either directly to us, or that will have an undesired affect on us, we have a choice. We can feel our feelings, work through them and come to acceptance of what has happened, or we can worry, rail and knash our teeth. We can detach in love, or hold on in any number of ways - fanning feelings of hate or resentment, telling ourselves and others things 'shoulda woulda coulda' been different. Though it could be true, if we had made other choices things may have been different, but we can't go back and going over and over  things from that slant just keeps us stuck. Keeps us attached to something that no longer is. At least in its previous form.

If we can let go and accept in detachment, by feeling our feelings about the situation and moving through them, and using our thinking to decide how we will respond, we find that we come out the other end standing on new ground. And love can enter. If we stay 'attached' to wanting life to be different and continually throw ourselves a pity party, no matter how seemingly justified, (and we can always find others who are more than willing to confirm this to us) we stay stuck in the past while the world moves forward, without us.

When one of my children was going through their adolescence, experimenting with things that I thought dangerous and withdrawing from me, I had a hard time detaching. How could this happen? I've been a good mom. Where has our loving relationship gone? I must do something about this. I started trying to rescue or fix. And my child moved farther and farther away from me. Boundaries I tried to set, were met by equally strong boundaries of their own. The loving relationship (at least on the surface) deteriorated. We were in a power struggle, and  when two people get stuck in  a power struggle, nobody wins. (and everybody loses)

After much reflection, reading, and 'reality checking' with others, I realized that this child of mine was no longer a child. Duh! Though not quite an adult, certainly no longer my baby, and although still wanting to please me, had to please themselves more. This was quite appropriate to that stage of development. With the help of Trust and the angel of Grace, I began to detach. At first I was just acting 'as if', and not much changed inside me.

In time, I came to accept that this person did not belong to me, they belonged to God and to themselves and had the right to make their own choices, as well as full responsiblity to face the consequences of those choices.  In time, what had begun as an exercise, 'trying' to get some relief from the torrent of conflicting thoughts and feelings inside me, turned into actually feeling differently.   Not only was I detached, I found to my utter surprise and delight, I was peaceful about it.  Again, I had grown and was standing on new ground.

And the relationship began to change. It became more give and take. Respect was more apparent on both sides. Within a short time of truly 'detaching' I was once more warmed by loving hugs and even the occasional, "I love you mom." I had learned a valuable lesson.   I had received the gift of detachment.


Reflection questions:

What/ who in my life do I need to detach from?

What virtues will help me detach?

What are the questions I need to ask myself?

What are the teachable moments I am resisting?

Acceptance - Volume 1

John Lennon sagely sang: "life is what happens when you're busy making other plans", and for the last year or so, 'life' in that sense is what has been happening in my own life and I imagine to a greater or lesser degree the same holds true for you.

A series of major and minor incidents and losses, beginning with the painful and debilitating flare up of an old injury, a car accident (only injury was to the pocketbook), two very challenging deaths, a good friend's cancer diagnosis, good neighbors moving, my father's ever increasing dementia leading to a declaration of incompetence, all  interwoven with some distressing symptoms of my own 'midlife' transition and culminating in the loss of a 'significant' relationship and I found myself treading water in a well of grief and despondency that threatened to 'swallow me up'.

None of this was either welcomed or planned.  But it certainly was 'life', and a pretty high dose of it at that!

As a Master Facilitator for the Virtues Project, I had many resources and tools from which to draw to help me through such a challenging time, and boy did I draw on them.  

Using every ounce of detachment I could muster,  and the support of my family, my therapist, my physician and some good friends, I managed to put aside my grief and pain when necessary and 'show up for work'.......whether it was facilitating a group or workshop, parenting my kids, or attending a meeting.......most of the time, I was even able to be almost fully present, a welcome relief from the process of coming to acceptance.......... and when the job  of the moment was over, my 'bundle' was there, waiting patiently to be dealt with.

I came to acceptance slowly, sometimes reluctantly and almost literally, on my knees.

I had mainly looked at acceptance as accepting the 'suchness' of others.  Accepting myself with all my flaws and inconsistencies, in my humanness.  After many years of conscious effort, acceptance of this kind has become easier.

 To accept situations, the unfolding of my life, so radically different from my hopes, dreams and plans is something I've always had trouble with.  

Linda Kavelin Popov writes about acceptance: "We are open to what is, rather than wishing for something different.  We face the truth in all circumstances with honesty and courage."

At first thought, we might think it's a no brainer, to accept what is.  He's dead, she's sick and could die, they moved, my body is changing, the car is wrecked, etc. etc.  Who could argue with those FACTS?

Accepting the reality of these situations is not difficult intellectually.  However, the meaning of the practice of the virtue of acceptance is not a mere passive lack of outward, behavioral attempts to change what is happening, or has happened, but rather a less tangible feeling or harmony with truly accepting (on a deep emotional level, so we are no longer railing against the truth) what I want to be different.   Even if I take no action against a situation, or there is no action I could take to change a particular situation, I could still be in a state of non acceptance.  And that is what causes suffering.

"Acceptance is embracing life on its own terms." LKP  The good and the bad.  

The good news is that through this process of coming to terms with the many losses I sustained in the last year, of coming to acceptance, I have learned to embrace life on its own terms in a much deeper and more profound way than I have ever been able to before.  The bad news, is it wasn't easy and it often didn't feel very good and it didn't come without considerable railing, whining and gnashing of teeth!  Getting to acceptance of so many losses  in such a short period of time, was very much a process for me.  I had to go through all the stages of loss that Kubler Ross elucidated.  I would be in one stage, with one loss when suddenly I was confronted with another.

Being at the bottom of a well of grief, while still having commitments and obligations necessitated me practicing the five strategies,  just to get through the day.

Questions such as what virtues could I call on to help me today became not just a daily practice, but my lifeline.

So many teachable moments, so many opportunities to set and maintain clear boundaries.

The serenity prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr helped me to discern what I could change and what I had to accept.  "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." 

 And then I had to go begin the long process of changing what I could....which to this day is ongoing.  One of the 'teachable moments' for me was realizing that I was going to grieve no matter what I was doing and that indeed, once I stopped being imobilized by the feelings and took them with me, on a walk by the ocean, pottering in the garden, clearing and cleaning and letting go of that which no longer served me in my environment, I was doing the emotional work of letting go, while doing something positive to make myself feel more in control of what I could control.

To process a loss, involves grieving it, and letting go.  And that can't be done in a moment.  It's a process.   When many losses are layered one on top of the other it can feel overwhelming.

 And like a newly transplanted plant, much of the initial growth occurs underground, not visible to the naked eye.  Watered by tears the roots of my character grew stronger, more resilient and one day I awoke to realize, that I had come to new ground, I had  somehow, inexplicably, come to acceptance. 

And now, having come to acceptance of those many losses, how has it changed me?

I feel a deeper well of joy inside me.  Though I still feel sad when I think of the people I miss and what they are missing, somehow I take them with me.  They are a part of my life and who I am and nothing can ever change that.    I am a better person for having known them, loved and been loved by them,  and strangely,  even for having lost them.....

And  for this, I am now and will ever be,  grateful.  

Questions for reflection:

What  in my life do I need to accept?

What are the teachable moments in this situation?

What virtues will help me to come to acceptance?

How can I  draw on the courage to change the things I can?

For information about upcoming workshops, log on to www.virtuesprojectkatemarsh.ca

And please forward this link to your friends and loved ones.

~ Namaste

Kate

The Five Strategies of the Virtues Project

The five strategies of the Virtues Project help us to live more authentic, purposeful, conscious lives, encourage the development of character, in ourselves and others and support a culture of respect in our homes, schools, workplaces and communities.

1.  Speak the language of the virtues.  Language has the power to discourage or inspire.  To demoralize or empower.  Using the language of the virtues when speaking with others, both in acknowledging the qualities we see in them as well as asking them to practice those qualities in relation to us, is uplifting to each of us.

2. Recognize teachable moments.  Recognizing that life is a workshop, not an art gallery and that as spiritual beings having a human experience, there is always something more to learn and more room to grow.  Recognizing the virtues needed in daily challenges  and putting them into practice helps us to become life long learners and stronger and more resilient people.

3.  Set clear boundaries.   When we set boundaries with others, we are not only respecting ourselves, we are respecting them.  Boundaries keep us safe and help us to have more fulfilling, enriching relationships with less conflict and contention.  Setting boundaries based on respect and restorative justice creates and upholds a climate of respect, peace, cooperation and safety in our homes, schools, workplaces and communities.

4.  Honour the spirit.  Bringing virtues to life in practical ways in our daily interactions, activities, celebrations and artistic pursuits helps us sustain our vision and purpose while honouring the dignity of every person. 

5.  Offer spiritual companioning.  Being deeply present and listening with compassionate curiosity guides others to find clarity and to create their own solutions.  It supports healing and growth.  Being deeply present to ourselves as we seek clarity is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves.