I was on a women's retreat, (the second of what was to become a yearly event) and this dear soul gifted each of us with a cross stitched bookmark of the virtue of Trust. At the time I didn't know how significant that virtue would become to me. It has seen me through a series of losses, betrayals and changes that without it, would have sunk me.
"Trust is having faith, hope and a positive outlook. Trust is believing in someone or something. We have confidence that the right thing will come about without trying to control it or make it happen. We trust others to do what they say they will do, and give them the space to be trustworthy. Sometimes it is difficult to trust when life brings painful experiences. Trust is being sure, in the depths of our being, that there is some gift or learning in everything that happens. We move confidently with the flow of life, gathering strength from adversity. We know we are never alone." Linda Kavelin Popov, Virtues Reflection cards.
Life has taught me, through various adversities, that sometimes Trust is all I can hold onto.
Recently, a mentally ill ex husband of an old friend has been saying disparaging things about me to people that I know. Apparently he has false beliefs about me that he has been nursing and feeding for close to two decades. This individual is not only ill, but someone I have come to know as 'abusive'. (the reason his ex left him in the first place) For some reason, abusive people have populated my life in an unbalanced and unwanted ratio, to the point of affecting my health and my well being quite profoundly.
The accusations are not only damning but slanderous, and for the first couple of days I felt so upset I could think of little else.
"Be careful what you ask for," comes to mind, as several years ago I heard Wayne Dyer speaking about his absolute detachment from caring what others thought of him and I impulsively said to the Universe and various friends, "I want to get to the place where I don't care what anyone else thinks of me."
I've learned that when we put out something like that, what comes to meet us first is everything that gets in the way of it becoming or being true in the first place. I was attracted to the 'freedom' Wayne Dyer dangled like a carrot in front of my psyche, because at the time I cared very deeply what others thought of me, so much so, that for most of my life thus far, I had spent much of my time and energy trying to 'manage' that. (and what others think about us is not manageable)
For example, I was once hosting a rather critical and judgmental guest for dinner, (someone I very much wanted to approve of, accept and even love me). I spent the better part of my whole weekend getting my house in order. (the only other time it was so clean and tidy that I can be sure of was the day I first toured it, when the previous owners were still in possession)
The only room that did not sparkle and shine while exemplifying orderliness was the laundry room, whose floor was covered with many loads of unwashed clothes. ( I left the door closed so that she would not see it)
After dinner, she was to take a sauna and as luck would have it, rather than change her clothes in the bathroom as I invited her to, she decided to go into the laundry room next door, and then had no problem sharing her critical judgment about my 'housekeeping'.
I learned a very important lesson that day. I have no control over what others think of me. Got it. (I'm still learning how not to care)
I wish I could say that when adversity strikes I always have "faith, hope and a positive outlook.", but that wouldn't be true. Sometimes to get there, I need to call on other virtues to help me.
In the case of the backbiting slanderer, I have been very much drawing on the virtue of detachment to be wedded to trust and I can honestly say that in this moment, I have no emotional charge about this.
His point of view is his point of view and he is going to hold it until he doesn't. I myself have been guilty of misjudging another many times. I can make up stories in my own mind about situations to match the best of them. (only to be made aware how wrong I was at some future point)
My work it seems to me, is to continue to learn to love and accept myself, and others in all our messy glory and very perfectly imperfect humanity. His work (and whether or not he takes it on) is his business. And to a recovering co-dependent, finally getting that, is very good news.
Namaste
~ Kate
The Practice of Trust
I maintain my hope.
I do not nag others or try to control them.
I believe there is some good in everything that happens.
I allow trust to heal my fears.
I am confident in my capacity for lifelong learning.
I rely on Divine assistance.
I am thankful for the gift of Trust. It renews my strength.
Reflection Questions
How can I allow trust to heal my fears?
What do I believe in?
What are the gifts in my life's challenges?
How can I detach from what others think of me?
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