I started this blogging endeavor in 2008, writing about my journey with acceptance. Like the newly reformed smoker, I was feeling pretty 'all that' about acceptance as my fingers tapped it out. Little did I know that six years later, (2014) I would again be humbled -- knees knocked right out from under me -- feeling unable to manage the weight of multiple large losses in a short period of time. And little did I know when that happened how much I would grow as I moved through it.
As I was thinking of losing Jane today it dawned on me that, approaching the ripe old age of 59, the rest of my life is likely going to involve loss in proportions hitherto unknown to me.
As John Lennon sagely sang: "life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."
Loss is a hard one to navigate in our culture. The culture of 'suck it up' -- 'put on a brave face' -- 'didn't that happen a month ago?' makes it hard for people to seek out and get the support they need. This then makes it hard for us to support others when they do seek us out, losses others are processing can trigger feelings about losses we haven't processed, causing a repellent feeling.
A friend recently lost her son in law at the tender age of 23 to that ravager of families -- cancer. This is a loss that is going to take a lot of process to come to acceptance of. Sadly, there are few who are able to be there for her as she journeys that path, and they become fewer and fewer as the weeks slip by.
When going through loss its important to FEEL and its important to have support...yet people are often uncomfortable with feelings...especially the teary kind. The feeler and the witnesses are both uncomfortable.
So how do we navigate loss?
I found during much of the big losses of my life, by using every ounce of detachment I could muster, I could put aside my grief and pain when really necessary and 'show up for work'.......whether it was facilitating a group or workshop, parenting my kids, or attending a meeting.......most of the time I was even able to be almost fully present, (after I'd been there a bit) -- a welcome relief from the process of coming to acceptance. Then, when the job of the moment was over, my 'bundle' was still there, waiting patiently to be dealt with. When we are struggling to accept a loss by death and finding little support, Hospice can be a a welcome support. And of course there are many other groups that can assist us as we come to terms, come to acceptance of loss.
I found during much of the big losses of my life, by using every ounce of detachment I could muster, I could put aside my grief and pain when really necessary and 'show up for work'.......whether it was facilitating a group or workshop, parenting my kids, or attending a meeting.......most of the time I was even able to be almost fully present, (after I'd been there a bit) -- a welcome relief from the process of coming to acceptance. Then, when the job of the moment was over, my 'bundle' was still there, waiting patiently to be dealt with. When we are struggling to accept a loss by death and finding little support, Hospice can be a a welcome support. And of course there are many other groups that can assist us as we come to terms, come to acceptance of loss.
I come to acceptance slowly, sometimes reluctantly and occasionally literally, on my knees.
I used to think acceptance merely meant accepting the 'suchness' of others.
And accepting myself with all my flaws and inconsistencies, in my
humanness. After many years of conscious effort, acceptance of this
kind is easier than ever.
Accepting situations -- the unfolding of life and fate -- often so radically different from my hopes, dreams
and plans is something I expect I may always struggle with.
Linda
Kavelin Popov writes about acceptance: "We are open to what is, rather
than wishing for something different. We face the truth in all
circumstances with honesty and courage."
At
first thought, we might think it's a no-brainer -- to accept what is.
He's dead, she's sick and could die, they moved, she left me, my kids are leaving the nest,
the car is wrecked, etc. etc. Who could argue with the FACTS?
Accepting
the reality of these situations is not hard intellectually.
However acceptance is not
a mere passive lack of outward, behavioral attempts to change what is
happening, or has happened, but is rather a less tangible feeling or
harmony with truly accepting (on a deep emotional level, so we are no
longer railing against the truth) -- of truly accepting what we want to be different. Even if we take no action against a situation, or there is no action we could
take to change a particular situation, we can still be in a state of
non-acceptance. And that is what causes or prolongs suffering.
"Acceptance is embracing life on its own terms." LKP The good and the bad.
The
good news is that through this process of coming to terms with the many
losses of life we can learn to embrace life on its own terms in a much deeper and more
profound way. The bad news, is its not easy and often won't feel very good, nor if you are at all like me, it won't come
without considerable railing, whining and gnashing of teeth! Getting to
acceptance, like all real growth, is very
much a process.
The
serenity prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr can help us discern what we can
change (ourselves) and what we have to learn to accept. (pretty much everything that is happening around us)
"God grant me the serenity to accept
the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference." Powerful concept -- not easy to do.
Changing what we can in any given situation can sometimes be a long process. One of the 'teachable moments' for me around loss has been realizing I'm
going to grieve no matter what I'm doing and that taking those feelings with me -- on a
walk by the ocean, pottering in the garden, clearing and cleaning and
letting go of that which no longer served me in my environment, I can do the emotional work of letting go, while doing something positive
to feel more in control of what I can change.
Recovering from a loss requires grieving it, and then when that work is done -- letting go. When many losses are layered one
on top of the other, or its a very big loss, or it came 'out of the blue' -- it can feel overwhelming.
Like a
newly transplanted plant, much of the initial growth occurs underground,
not visible to the naked eye. Watered by tears and heartache the roots of our
character grow stronger, more resilient each day, until one day we awake and realize we have come to new ground -- somehow, inexplicably -- we have come to
acceptance.
Then what?
When I come to acceptance of a loss I feel a deeper well of joy inside. I still feel sad when I
think of the people I miss and what they are missing, but somehow I carry them with me. They are a part of my life and who I am and nothing can
ever change that. I am a better person for having known them, loved
and been loved by them, and strangely, even for having lost them.
For this, I am now and will ever be, grateful.
~ Namaste
Questions for reflection:
What do I need to accept?
What will help me to come to acceptance?
What do I need to change?
How can I draw on the courage to change the things I can?
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