Volume 29 ~ Honor (A Valentine's Gift that Lasts a Lifetime

The table’s set for two, the candles are lit, and the Valentine’s card is opened … now what? Couples will take time out to affirm their love next month, and that’s wonderful. But what do they say after they say “I love you”?

Back in day-to-day life, where promises and hopes meet the pressures of reality, how can people strengthen their love? How can they take it to the next level?

Taking it to the next level isn’t sexual, or even romantic per se -- it’s deepening the emotional intimacy. 

Then, when couples feel closer and more connected, sexuality and romance can blossom.

Deepening intimacy is less about what we say than about how we listen. The Maoris of New Zealand greet each other by saying, ‘I see you.’ That, in a nutshell, is the art of listening.

When partners feel seen, when they’re heard and understood, their bonds strengthen. Listening -- a simple concept, not always easy.

Really listening is an art -- the art of inviting another person to open their soul, and then holding them with care as they do it.

This art has been named “Spiritual Companioning” by one of its masters.

I will be sharing it with couples (and individuals) later this month in both a one-day workshop for couples and a four-week tele-seminar.  Companioning -- or "deep listening," as I often call it -- is a way of focusing on the other person, with both compassion and detachment. It helps them get to the heart of what they’re feeling and find their own inner truth.

Ironically, deep listening can be most challenging with those we hold dearest. But it’s worth the effort. It’s the royal road to true intimacy. It’s easy to start using, and it shifts and deepens your connection at once. Over the long haul, it’s deep intimacy that holds a relationship together.

Listening is one of the most powerful ways that we can honor one another.

What role does honor play in relation to those who are not in touch with their own honor, at best,  or who actively dishonor others at worst?  How can we honor ourselves when another seeks to  hurt us or put us down?

I planned to write about honor specifically in intimate relationships, and how crucial it is that we really see and hear one another's truth in order to build healthy,  nurturing relationships.  After all, a healthy relationship can only be based on honoring each person's truth -- and the only person who knows the full truth about us, is us.  (Though others who know and love us can give us helpful feedback.)

 Last night, a phone call reminded me that it takes two people to have an honorable exchange.   During the call, I was unexpectedly lambasted in  a way that was anything but honoring of me as a human being, by someone who was obviously in a lot of pain and denial.  This person had a lot of  misguided judgments and opinions about me -- and, unfortunately, very little knowledge of me as a person and even less curiosity.   When I attempted to set boundaries around the assault, calling for reason and courtesy, I was yelled at, shamed and mocked.  After about 15 minutes of this treatment, realizing that I was being abused, I ended the conversation firmly.

I slept very little.  This individual is not someone I have chosen to participate in my life, but rubs shoulders with me because of her relationship to members of my family.  She has many good qualities and, I believe, good intentions; but her inability to listen -- her readiness to judge, using strongly held opinions  and projections that she freely (and sometimes forcefully) shares -- has brought at least three members of my family to tears.  It's hard for me to like her.  Yet somehow, I must maintain a cordial relationship with her while respecting myself and protecting my family members whenever possible.  Somehow, I must keep my dignity and not attack hers.

Listening  to another who has good intentions towards us brings us closer together. It's even possible when they're expressing  anger towards us, as long as they are owning their feelings and expressing them with respect. 

 

Listening to someone who is hurling angry vitriol does not bring us closer together. These kinds of relationships are not honorable. Sadly, many, many relationships are not honorable (every 15 seconds in the United States, someone is assaulted by an intimate other) and have no hope of becoming so unless and until there is goodwill present and each party honors the other -- not just some of the time, but all of the time.   

Where abuse is present, honor cannot be.  When abuse is the order of the day, chaos, pain and destruction are the only possible outcomes. 

 

When relationships are based on goodwill and honor, however, anything is possible.    As Oprah Winfrey aptly said, "If you seek what is honorable, what is good, what is the truth of your life, all the other things you could not imagine come as a matter of course."

Will it get messy?  Yes.  Will we make mistakes?  Yes.   It seems that our relationships bring forward all that is unhealed from our pasts.  It can be a lot of hard work to hold and heal those old wounds.  However, when we treat one another with dignity and respect, when we "listen another into a state of disclosure and discovery," as Douglas Steere said, it "may be the greatest service one human being ever performs for another."  Not only does it help to heal and transform old wounds,  it makes our lives worthwhile.   Not only does it heal the individuals involved, it heals the world, one heart at a time.  

 

This brings me to what seems to have become an obsession with me -- how do we humans learn to honor, not only  everyone but everything in the web of life?  As the early wilderness advocate John Muir noted, "When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe."

It occurred to me this sleepless morning -- sitting in my study in the wee hours, watching events unfold in the Middle East -- that a different kind of listening is being called for there.  A million people standing up for change, standing up against  an abuse of power that has kept them stifled, frustrated  and controlled, must be heard.

Not only must we listen in our private lives, one to one, we also need to listen to each other nation to nation, people to people.  Humanity, collectively, has a lot of soul-searching to do.  We must begin to truly honor each other and ourselves.  We must stand up to abuse and seek protection from those who would do us harm. 

 

Linda Kavelin Popov teaches that "honor is deep respect for what we know is right and true ... living up to the virtues of our character ... appreciation in action ...  treating others with the dignity they deserve.  When we are being honorable, we act with integrity, not to be admired, but because it is the right thing to do."   

Coming full circle, I find "companioning" to be one of the most effective ways I can honor myself, the other and the relationship.

I'll leave you with the words of my co-presenter, Dr. Mark Hein.  “As a therapist,” he says, “I’ve learned many techniques. But this is the simplest, most powerful way I’ve ever seen for one person to help another share deeply. And anyone can learn it.”  

I'd love to have you join us as we explore together how to "walk along" with one another.

~Namaste

~ Kate

"Listening to the Intimate Other" takes place on Saturday, Feb. 26, in Duncan, BC.  If you're too far away to come, consider the tele-seminar starting February 3, where you can learn deep listening from the comfort of your own home.   Interested? Write me at katemarsh@shaw.ca

The Practice of Honor

I live by my principles.

I cultivate the virtues and talents I have been given.

I treat others and myself with dignity and respect.

I am trustworthy in keeping my agreements.

I strive for impeccable integrity.

I do what I believe is right no matter what.

I am thankful for the gift of Honor.   It makes my life worthwhile.

Reflection Questions

What is honor calling me to?

How can I respect others while honoring myself?

Who would I like to appreciate and for what?

What are my highest principles?