Voume 14 - Integrity

"If you ask me what I came into this life to do, I will tell you: I came to live out loud." --Emile Zola

For so many years, decades in fact, this was one of the most difficult things for me, to truly be who I am.

I looked outside myself for approval and guidance.  Is this who I am?  If I be this, will I belong?  If I do this, will you like me?  Love me?  Stay with me? Be my friend?  Approve?   And if I be this, am I in integrity?  Often, I knew I was not, but gee, I really wanted to belong, to fit in somewhere.  I would vacillate between trying to be (whole) me, and trying to please others.   

The American Heritage Dictionary of the English language defines integrity thus:

in·teg·ri·ty  (n-tgr-t)

n.

1. Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code.

2. The state of being unimpaired; soundness.

3. The quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness.

Linda Kavelin-Popov writes of integrity as "...standing up for what we believe is right.   We keep faith with our ideals and live by our deepest values.  We keep our agreements reliably.  Our actions match our words.  We strive to balance impeccable integrity and unfailing tenderness for others and ourselves.  We cherish the challenge of doing the right thing in all circumstances.  We give excellence to whatever we undertake.  We live by our personal covenant."  Weighty words.  

I'm very aware how often I fall short of being in integrity.  In big and small ways.  For instance, writing this newsletter. Here it is the 3rd of October, and I pledged to write on the 1st of each month.  It's important to me do be reliable.  I fully intended to do so, yet I find myself three days late.  Well, that is something I can forgive myself for.  I've had a sinus cold, my kids were both sick, things got behind, it's hard to think when your head is stuffy and sore.  All true.

Today, before writing, I honored an agreement to take my son to a craft fair he was marketing his jewelry at, and my daughter to the costume sale at our local theatre, followed by lunch out, with my two youngest daughters.  And I'm reminded that sometimes it's proper to forgo the important for the more important.  (and does anyone really read this newsletter anyway?)  There are times, when 'taking care of business', or ourselves, trumps our best laid plans.

Was a time I would have stayed up 'til the wee hours to make the deadline I had set for myself, now, increasingly, self care is more often what I choose.  A graceful pace in which to live my life.

I tried for a long time, to live by the values and rules written outside of me.  Rules that in some cases I made agreements to obey. Rules that were clearly those of others.  I looked to my family, friendships,  the society around me, my religion for how to be.  Largely, I followed the rules those institutions laid out for me.

Often, I was not happy. Eventually I became sick.  And, invariably I fell short.  (still do)

A couple of years ago, I made the decision to discover and follow the rules written in my heart.  To 'live out loud'.  I'm still working on it.  It's scary to forge out on a solo path, but if I don't live into my uniqueness, how can I be complete and whole?  How can I be in integrity?  

Many rules I agree with.  Even then, sometimes it's tempting to break them. 

I've been known to neglect to mention it, at the grocery store check out, if an item rings up cheaper than it said on the aisle.  It niggles some, but is soon forgotten.  How does that affect my integrity, my feeling sound within myself?

 Today, on our way to lunch, we discovered a little shop in our small town with a 75% off sale.  Another main-street 'casualty' of Wall-street - closeout sale.

Never one to pass up a bargain, I went right in.   I found some useful and valuable things.  The cashier rang up my total, $ 19.69, I paid and left the store.  Something niggled, rankled.  The retail total of my purchases was something in the order of $ 130.00.  I know math isn't my strong suit, but something must be off.

For some reason, she had neglected to charge me for some items.   I was faced with a moral dilemma.

"She was the person in charge, I showed her everything I was purchasing, it's up to her to make sure she calculates things properly", one of my internal committee members challenged.   

"Everyone makes mistakes. Now that I know she did,  to be in integrity, I must go back and rectify it", said another.

I'm humbled to say, I went back and forth between the polarity of those opinions for at least a minute, maybe two, before I walked back in the store and pointed out the discrepancy.  

 I felt like I was standing in integrity.   I guess, you could say, by standing on my own holy ground, my own internal integrity, I was, in a small way, helping to 'put the world right'.  Had I listened to the voice that tempted me to accept the situation as some kind of 'windfall', what impact might that have had on my heart?  My soul?  And, even in a small way, the world?

"To put the world right... we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right."  Confucius

And, my heart felt good.

Namaste~

~ Kate

The Practice of Integrity

I live by my ideals.

I am faithful to the virtues of my character.

I am trustworthy.

I temper righteousness with forgiveness.

I strive to do the right thing.

I abide by my heart's deepest promise.

I am thankful for integrity.  It supports me to walk my talk.

Reflection Questions

What action does integrity call me to?

What is my heart's deepest promise?

What are my highest ideals?

What is the impact on me, when I fail to live by them?