Volume 57 -- Acceptance (for my dear sister/friend Jane -- I will always love you)

 I spent the day in my garden, thinking about (and missing)  my dear friend Jane Grover who died unexpectedly this spring.  (our dear cat Daisy, also died early this summer, and even though it was expected, it was not easy to say goodbye after 17 years together)

I started this blogging endeavor in 2008, writing about my journey with acceptance.  Like the newly reformed smoker, I was feeling pretty 'all that' about acceptance as my fingers tapped it out.  Little did I know that six years later,  (2014) I would again be humbled -- knees knocked right out from under me -- feeling unable to manage the weight of  multiple large losses in a short period of time.   And little did I know when that happened how much I would grow as I moved through it. 

As I was thinking of losing Jane today it dawned on me that, approaching the ripe old age of 59, the rest of my life is likely going to involve loss in proportions hitherto unknown to me.

As John Lennon sagely sang: "life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."

Loss is a hard one to navigate in our culture.  The culture of 'suck it up' -- 'put on a brave face' -- 'didn't that happen a month ago?' makes it hard for people to seek out and get the support they need. This then makes it hard for us to support others when they do seek us out, losses others are processing can trigger  feelings about losses we haven't processed, causing a repellent feeling.

A friend recently lost her son in law at the tender age of 23 to that ravager of families -- cancer.  This is a loss that is going to take a lot of process to come to acceptance of.  Sadly, there are few who are able to be there for her as she journeys that path, and they become fewer and fewer as the weeks slip by.

When going through loss its important to FEEL and its important to have support...yet people are often uncomfortable with feelings...especially the teary kind.  The feeler and the witnesses are both uncomfortable. 

So how do we navigate loss?

I found during much of the big losses of my life, by using every ounce of detachment I could muster,  I could put aside my grief and pain when really  necessary and 'show up for work'.......whether it was facilitating a group or workshop, parenting my kids, or attending a meeting.......most of the time I was even able to be almost fully present, (after I'd been there a bit) -- a welcome relief from the process of coming to acceptance.  Then, when the job  of the moment was over, my 'bundle' was still there, waiting patiently to be dealt with.  When we are struggling to accept a loss by death and finding little support, Hospice can be a a welcome support.   And of course there are many other groups that can assist us as we come to terms, come to acceptance of loss.

I come to acceptance slowly, sometimes reluctantly and occasionally literally, on my knees.

I used to think acceptance merely meant accepting the 'suchness' of others.  And accepting myself with all my flaws and inconsistencies, in my humanness.  After many years of conscious effort, acceptance of this kind is easier than ever.

Accepting situations -- the unfolding of life and fate -- often so radically different from my hopes, dreams and plans is something I expect I may always struggle with. 

Linda Kavelin Popov writes about acceptance: "We are open to what is, rather than wishing for something different.  We face the truth in all circumstances with honesty and courage."

At first thought, we might think it's a no-brainer -- to accept what is.  He's dead, she's sick and could die, they moved,  she left me, my kids are leaving the nest,  the car is wrecked, etc. etc.  Who could argue with the FACTS?

Accepting the reality of these situations is not hard intellectually.  However acceptance is not a mere passive lack of outward, behavioral attempts to change what is happening, or has happened, but  is rather a less tangible feeling or harmony with truly accepting (on a deep emotional level, so we are no longer railing against the truth)  -- of truly  accepting what we want to be different.   Even if we take no action against a situation, or there is no action we could take to change a particular situation, we can still be in a state of non-acceptance.  And that is what causes or prolongs suffering.

"Acceptance is embracing life on its own terms." LKP  The good and the bad.  

The good news is that through this process of coming to terms with the many losses of life we can learn to embrace life on its own terms in a much deeper and more profound way.   The bad news, is its not easy and  often won't feel very good, nor if you are at all like me, it won't  come without considerable railing, whining and gnashing of teeth!  Getting to acceptance, like all real growth,  is very much a process. 

The serenity prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr can help us discern what we can  change (ourselves) and what we have to learn to  accept.  (pretty much everything that is happening around us)  

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  Powerful concept -- not easy to do.

Changing what we can in any given situation can sometimes be a long process.  One of the 'teachable moments' for me around loss has been realizing  I'm going to grieve no matter what I'm doing and that taking those feelings   with me --  on a walk by the ocean, pottering in the garden, clearing and cleaning and letting go of that which no longer served me in my environment, I can do the emotional work of letting go, while doing something positive to feel more in control of what I can change.

Recovering from a loss requires grieving it, and then when that work is done --  letting go.    When many losses are layered one on top of the other, or its a very big loss, or it came 'out of the blue' --  it can feel overwhelming.

Like a newly transplanted plant, much of the initial growth occurs underground, not visible to the naked eye.  Watered by tears and heartache the roots of our character grow stronger, more resilient each day, until one day we awake and realize we have come to new ground -- somehow, inexplicably -- we have come to acceptance. 

Then what?

When I come to acceptance of a loss I feel a deeper well of joy inside.   I still feel sad when I think of the people I miss and what they are missing, but somehow I  carry them with me.  They are a part of my life and who I am and nothing can ever change that.    I am a better person for having known them, loved and been loved by them,  and strangely,  even for having lost them.

For this, I am now and will ever be,  grateful.  

~ Namaste

Questions for reflection:

What do I need to accept?

What will help me to come to acceptance?

What do I need to change?

How can I  draw on the courage to change the things I can?

Volume 56 - Endurance

William Barclay suggested that "Endurance is not just the ability to endure a hard thing, but to turn it into glory."

I have been blessed to have worked with hundreds of people during my life.
Thinking of them and their stories,  and looking around me -- and sometimes within me --  I wonder --  how much can a person endure?  And the conclusion I come to over and over again is:  apparently -- a whole helluva lot.

The Virtues  Reflection card on Endurance says "Endurance is our ability to withstand adversity and hardship.  We practice perseverance and patience when obstacles arise, open to the lessons they bring.  We don't give up or feel hopeless about ourselves.  We hold on.  Endurance hones our character and seasons our souls.  Weathering the inevitable challenges in our relationships deepens trust and loyalty.  It makes love abiding and strong.  The early navigators who plotted their course with nothing but the stars  became strong, confident sailors.  When trouble comes, endurance gives us the strength to stay the course."   (Linda Kavelin Popov)

Endurance does not call us to become martyrs for others though.  For a long time I endured the pain of living with people who were broken in ways that made it impossible to keep lasting relationship without losing myself and my dignity.    People who were unable to truly love and respect another human being.  People who in their pain and desperation avoided vulnerability like the plague and resorted to abuse in an attempt to protect themselves from any more damage.  No amount of patient endurance, loyalty and love seemed to move the needle for those folks. (and boy did I try)
It's like they were stuck in another reality.  Thankfully I have learned that lesson.  People who use abuse (which is about a lot more than physical violence) rarely change without years of intensive and deep personal work.   Most of them are unable to be that real and vulnerable  with and about themselves.  I grieve for the lost potential but will no longer put myself in harms way, thinking if only I love them enough they will change.  And whenever and wherever I can, I stand with others who are making that choice for themselves, the choice to insist on respectful treatment for all, at all times. 

A Tlingit elder once said, "Life is for learning our lessons." and one of the lessons I have learned is  not to tolerate abuse, and to have the courage to speak up and stand up when I witness it.

This past year, through a project called Understanding the Village, I learned in a new, experiential way, the incredible endurance of the Coast Salish peoples (and by extension, all peoples who have been colonized by others, as a people or as individuals in abusive relationships)  I've learned in a deeper soul touching way the terrible abuse they suffered in the guise of 'help'.   And the racism and marginalization many 1st Nations people still endure on a daily basis as well as the incredible adversity facing all people, men, women and children, who live life daily with others who are unable to truly love.   There is much restitution and healing required. 

As my country celebrates what it calls its birthday, I struggle with openly celebrating the birth of a nation that caused the death of so many other nations.   So today, I decided to spend at home, doing some catch up in house and garden and in quiet reflection on what I want to see my country be.  (this is in no way meant to offend those people who are in a different place -- may you all experience a happy Canada Day)

Don't get me wrong, Canadians still have much to be thankful for.  Most of us have clean water, there is still somewhat of a social safety net, we have medical coverage and other benefits.  However, once we were the envy of the world on many fronts and I would like to see that become true again.

As Canada faces another federal election this fall, it is my sincere hope that  we will get on the path of rebuilding, this country and her people.   That so many of our people will not have to 'endure' so much when the dust settles.   What lessons do we need to learn so that this first world country I have the blessing to live in will once and for all address what happened to our 1st peoples and make restitution?  When will we address child poverty, climate change, the environment,  racism, the inequity between the rich and the poor and start to truly support our young families as they raise our future leaders?  When will the 1st peoples of this land have the same opportunities as those of us who descend from the colonizers?

May all those who have been abused find the courage to make a change and truly begin to live.  May all people in this country with so much potential get out this fall and cast a ballot for the kind of country they want.

May we  become one country and one people --who stand and work together for justice for all.

May it happen soon.

Namaste~

~ Kate

The Practice of Endurance

I find the strength to live through adversity.

I seek the lessons in hardships.

I do not let troubles keep me down.

I accept the challenges love requires.

I have lasting relationships.

I gain confidence by not giving up.

I am thankful for the gift of endurance.  It fortifies my will.

Reflection Questions

What relationships are healthy andc worth keeping and which ones should I let go of?

What lessons do my present circumstances illuminate?

How can I create deep trust and loyalty with the people in my life who treat me in a healthy way?

What practices, places and people 'bring me to life'?


  

Volume 55 - Service

This past weekend, my son and I watched the movie Selma, which told the story of the Selma to Montgomery marches in Alabama, along with other activities of the civil rights movement that led to the Voting Rights Act of 1965.

Of course, Martin Luther King Jr. was prominently figured in Selma.  And I can't think of anyone who epitomizes the virtue of service more than Dr. King.

"Everybody can be great....because anybody can serve.  You don't have to have a college education degree to serve...You only need a heart full of grace.  A soul generated by love."  Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.

Service has been on my mind lately.  Partly because there is a new service club coming to the little town I live in, and another service club has been building little libraries across my community.  You know the ones, a little 'building on a pole', where neighours can leave a book and take a book.  Partly because recently, a way that I serve a loved one was questioned and reacted to by another loved one.
(I am still working my way through that one)

So many cool ideas are taking root across the world.  Close by,  in Portland Oregon, is the City Repair project that has revitalized and revolutionized 'public space' in Portland, while building community.
The projects are built by neighbours and have cost the Portland Council little to  nothing, but have attracted world wide attention and many new residents to Portland.

Locally, we have so many groups that people volunteer in to serve their community.  I am sure it is the same where you live.   A few ways I have served are  helping to eradicate an invasive species, english ivy, from a local park and stream side,  working on fundraising to build transitional housing for women and kids who have fled abusive situations, housing that will give them a safe place to live with services on site, while they get their legs back so to speak and being a hospice volunteer.  My years as a Baha'i taught me the importance of service and I have been truly blessed with the bounty a spirit of service brings.

So many of us practice service in so many ways, it can be as simple as opening a door for someone, or as complicated as sitting bedside in a 'vigil' when someone is dying.

"Using our gifts to be of service is the fullest expression of our lives.  Each day, we find a multitude of ways to be useful.  Whatever we may achieve, the quality of our own life comes from the quality of our contribution.  First and foremost we serve our loved ones.  We notice what others need, discover their wishes, and respond helpfully.  We don't wait to be asked.  A spirit of service invests whatever we do with excellence.  We give our very best effort.  People who want to be of service can change the world."

May each of us, in our own small or big way, serve this world we are blessed to have been born into.
May each of us, do our part, to change that world for the better.

Namaste

~ Kate


The Practice of Service

I look for opportunities to serve.

I work with wholehearted enthusiasm.

I do thoughtful things for my family and friends.

I don't wait to be asked when something needs doing.

I give freely of my time and attention.

I use my gifts to make a difference in the world.

I am thankful for the gift of Service.  It makes my life a prayer.

Reflection Questions

Where do I see an opportunity to be useful?

What gifts do I have that my community/world needs now?

What kind of service calls me?

How can I bring an awareness of service to all my interactions?

Volume 54 - Consideration

In consideration of the fact that I haven't written a blog in almost 21 months, I thought it was time.

Funnily enough I posted about Consideration on FB today, so this will be largely a rehash.

I am in 'catch up' mode at my house.  My office looks like a very disorderly person inhabits it.  My virtues job (okay business, OKAY calling) has been sorely neglected the last few years that I have held office and concurrently gone through the huge transition of losing two fathers, one partner,  two dear friends,  some family sickness and the empty nest.  Whew, makes me tired just to type it.

Being a municipal Councillor can eat up as much time as you have...rewarding and valuable, sometimes agonizing and sometimes, even fun...

As I was dunging out my office today I spotted a deck of Virtues cards at the end of a book case that sits on my desk.  One card was sticking out.  It really spoke to me, so decided to post on FB and now write this blog.

"Consideration is giving careful thought to the needs of others.  It is also holding a decision in a contemplative and thoughtful way.  We mindfully consider what will result from our choices before we act.  We speak with gentleness and tact.  We care about others and their feelings.  We carefully observe their preferences and needs, then do things to give them ease or bring them joy.  Consideration shines in small daily acts that add to the happiness of others.  It is one of the most meaningful ways to show love.  Considerate people give the very best gifts."  Linda Kavelin Popov

My recent few weeks have given me many opportunities to practice consideration.  For the most part I have been considerate, though I have found other's behaviour and decisions confusing and frustrating.
A few times I have fallen from the mark, but once or twice I actually caught myself and got back on track.  I have been fortunate to witness consideration practiced by many dear people as I have moved through the past few months.

May we all be more considerate of one another.  May we all be more considerate of ourselves.  This human journey is fraught with tests and challenges and those daily acts of kindness, towards us and others really make a difference.   I am grateful for the consideration that has been shown to me these past two years, , by my friends, colleagues, neighbours and family.  May I be worthy of being called 'considerate'.  Blessings to all on this May long weekend.  (at least it is a long weekend in Canada)

I note I did not promise when I would blog again 21 months ago, and I will be considerate to each of you and myself by not doing so again.  I hope it's sooner though.  It's kind of fun.

The Practice of Consideration

I think about what others need.

I am thoughtful of their feelings.

I speak gently and tactfully.

I hold decisions with care and discernment.

I take joy in bringing joy to others.

I show my love in thoughtful acts.

I am thankful for the gift of Consideration.  It allows me to brighten others' lives.

Reflection Questions

What decisions do I need to hold with care and discernment?

How can I be more considerate?

Who needs my consideration?

What thoughtful ways can I show my love?

A few folks have been asking me if I would put on a workshop, they are needing a refresher.  If you are interested, drop me an email at katemarsh@shaw. ca.  I am thinking fall.

May all of your days be full of consideration,

~ Kate