Volume 19 - Caring

Wow, I can hardly believe it's been four weeks since I wrote about and pledged to walk with moderation in March.

Was I able to be moderate? Sometimes I actually was. It was a more graceful month than many. I liked the pace. Though there were days when I overdid and felt overdone, I got enough of a taste of that kind of life that I've decided to renew my option and carry on the journey with moderation. A life of moderation has many gifts.

One thing that happened when I stopped rushing around frantically, trying to be everything to everybody, is I began to hear and really listen to some voices I haven't acknowledged for awhile. Some young voices (and feelings) of Kathy's and Kate's who have lived inside my psyche for decades. Voices of the ones that feel like they are not enough, unlovable, less than. Ones that never had a voice because there was no one there who could listen. One's that were abandoned by the adults in their world. (who had also been abandoned) Ones that weren't met or celebrated in the childhood home I grew up in. A home were people did their best in an often chaotic environment dominated by alcohol, confusion and denial. What those folks lived with they learned, what they learned they practiced and what they practiced they became, and so it goes on.

Over the years I've learned that those little frightened children that weren't met still live inside us. It seems that I am now in a place where mine feel safe enough to come forward once again, tentatively, yet persistently, to be loved and cared for by me.

Frederick Buechner said it more poetically, "You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world, but a world lives in you.

At first I felt confused when they showed up again, out of the blue. What's up? The adult me is very happy and content. Then I felt irritated and impatient. Haven't I done enough work? Then sad. Are these guys always going to haunt me? Finally I judged myself mercilessly. How self indulgent. Dysfunctional. Pathetic.

What a shocking (uncaring) barrage of judgments my internal critic had!

Thankfully, it wasn't long before I realized that I was treating those wounded parts of me differently than I would if they were literal 'others' sitting right in front of me. Others being the operative word. I have no trouble caring for others when they are hurting. Children and adults, the children in adults. I've had years of experience with this. Workshops often constellate the wounded parts of participants and I meet those parts with love and caring. And they are one step further along towards healing.

Caring for myself? (especially my wounded selves) I don't have a frame of reference for that. It's never been modeled for me. My heart knows its important, even necessary, but my mind and my internal critic expects more of me than of anyone else. Expects me to be done with childhood things. After all, I tell myself, you've been working this stuff for 30 years now.

'When will you be done?' I ask myself. 'Who knows? Does it really matter? Aren't those little ones worth it? Don't they deserve it?' Of course they do. All children do.

How do I care for the parts of myself that I'm not proud of, that haven't quite grown up, that aren't always rational? That are sometimes downright whiny? First things first. Acknowledging I have those parts is step one.

I found this quote in my in box this morning.

"It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more "manhood" to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind."
--Alex Karra

Courage to welcome these little ones? Yes it takes courage. It also takes caring.

I'm normally pretty good at caring, I bet you are too. Caring for others is easy, especially little ones. What about caring for self? Especially the parts of self that most often remain hidden from consciousness. What about caring for the little parts of ourself that pop up, unbidden as we are trying to go about living?

Linda Kavelin Popov reminds us that, 'caring is giving tender attention to the people and things that matter to us....being a compassionate witness, listening to another wholeheartedly and without judgment."

I am so down with this, going the extra mile for those I care about. Caring is one of my core virtues, unless (I've discovered) and until the one that needs caring for is some 'shadow' aspect of myself. Then it gets hard.

She goes on: "Caring is a sign of love. When we care for others, we notice how they feel and what they need. When we care for ourselves, we have more to give to others. Caring is a gift from the heart."

When I'm not being moderate, I'm too busy to notice these little ones inside that need my caring. I rush off to the next meeting or tackle the next duty. When feelings prick through it becomes easy to temporarily numb them with activity, or food, or some other kind of escape. Some people use gossip, or television, or romance novels. Some people use promiscuity, alcohol, other drugs. Their personal drug of choice. Whatever. It has the same effect. Those hurt ones are hurt all over again.

I've written before about the Fibromyalgia that knocked me out for a few years. After decades of living outside myself brought me to my knees when my body finally said, no, it began a long journey of love and acceptance. I began to learn the importance of listening to and caring for myself.

And I gained a greater appreciation of one of the meanings of Jesus' oft repeated refrain:

"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you." Gospel of Thomas

So, this month, along with moderation, I pledge to practice caring. Caring for my loved ones of course. For our earth and any beings the Goddess puts in my path, yes. In addition though, and especially, I pledge to practice caring for the needy ones living deep within me. I invite you to do the same.

Namaste~

~ Kate

The Practice of Caring

I take an interest in others and listen deeply.

I look for ways to be considerate and helpful.

I am gentle and loving with anyone and anything I place in my care.

I give excellence to whatever I do.

I am passionate about my beliefs.

I take good care of myself.

I am thankful for the gift of caring. It helps me to express my love.

Reflection Questions

What practices would help me be more caring for the tender ones that live within me?

How can I balance caring for self and others?

What boundaries do I need to set in order to do so?

What habits could I let go of that keep me from caring for my self?