Aretha Franklin sang "R.E.S.P.E.C.T - find out what it means to me."
"There is a longing among all people and creatures to have a sense of purpose and worth. To satisfy that common longing in all of us we must respect each other." Chief Dan George
How do we show respect? To others, the earth, ourselves? What does respect look like?
Linda Kavelin Popov shares some ideas in the Virtues Reflection cards her company, VPI, publishes:
"Respect is an attitude of honoring ourselves and others as people of value. We care for each person's dignity. Everyone has the right to expect respect. We show respect in the courtesy of our words, and in our tone of voice. We are all exquisitely sensitive to respect. When we treat others as we would like to be treated, we raise the level of trust and peace in our relationships. Respect is having reverence for the earth and all living things. When we live respectfully, we are a source of grace in the world."
I feel better when I'm being respected. It's more than being liked. Oh, I appreciate being liked, it feels good. Feels even better to be loved and admired. But it's not necessary to me, to be liked, or loved and admired by everyone I meet. However if I feel seen and accepted, that I am a person of value, (even if the other doesn't like what I am saying, or even who I am) as long I feel respected, it's good enough for me.
I've been trying to write this blog for over a week now. Trying to find the time in part, but also trying to feel my way into words that would share some of my journey with this so important virtue. The energy has not been there. I would sit and ponder, write, backspace, ponder some more, log off. Come back to it later.
I'd ask myself, what does respect mean to me? And I would get on a path of circular thinking. I would begin to feel overwhelmed, and respecting that, rather than pushing the river, I would take some more time to ponder.
Recently I co-facilitated a day long workshop for a group of 200 people from all over the world. I was excited about the opportunity to introduce them to the Virtues Project, which teaches simple strategies for living and ways to live the qualities needed for success in any human endeavor, the virtues. I was sure they would be touched and that this work would benefit them in so many ways. And for many present, that was their overall experience. If there were parts that didn't resonate for them, they respectfully participated, for the most part with an open mind. It was a powerful day.
One of the things we did was a 'virtues pick'. Not an easy thing to do in a crowd of 200 +. We had to modify it somewhat, leaving a virtues card in an envelope at each participant's seat during the morning break. The odds on getting any particular virtue in this pick were 1 in 52.
Rather than move immediately to sharing with one or two others, everyone was given 20 minutes to read, reflect on and write about how that virtue spoke to them. They were assured that this was only for their own private knowledge.
I was surprised and delighted during the lunch break, when a young man from Japan (a culture that is animated by respect) sought me out to tell me how meaningful it was for him to receive and reflect on the 'Respect' card. What was even more surprising to me, was how obviously moved he was at the new things he learned about the practice of respect. (how could a man who had grown up in Japan, learn something new about respect by reflecting on the words on that small card, I wondered?) But it was clear he had.
Reflecting on that brought home to me once again the power of the virtues language and materials to illuminate and deepen our experience of ourselves and our lives. This young man knew many facets of the virtue of respect, yet, though he was from a country that holds highly the cultural value of respect, he still learned something new that was very meaningful and personal to him.
It reminded me of a time in my life when I was agonizing over an important relationship that had become very painful to me. (the individual I was trying to relate to had many issues from a traumatic childhood and rather than work on them, 'acted' them out by crossing boundaries and even being abusive in relationship to me)
I kept pulling the virtue of loyalty. At the time two of my children were very young and most of my 'virtues picks' were done on the fly, using a small set of beads we kept in a basket, with only the virtues name on them. After pulling loyalty about eight times in a row, and feeling utterly confused, because I was being loyal, (but it wasn't helping things) I decided to read the description of loyalty in the Family Virtues Guide. I learned that although loyalty is an important virtue for unity in the family, with friends or in the community, sometimes it's necessary to practice a higher loyalty, loyalty to self and the protection of same. I learned that the treatment I was experiencing from this person made it impossible for me to continue to be loyal to that relationship and to myself. That it was not healthy, not only for me, but also for them.
I came to see that the respectful thing for me to do was to set my boundaries, (ask for change), and if that change was not forthcoming, to end the relationship. Doing so would not only respect me and my worth, but also the other person, whom, for whatever reason, was unable to relate to me in a life giving, respectful way.
Ultimately, that relationship ended.
This began a process for me of really examining my own life and boundaries and learning to respect and live from the truth of who I really am and what I really need. A rich journey indeed.
Namaste~
~ Kate
If you'd like to order Virtues cards or books for your own personal development, you can click the link below to order
The Practice of Respect
I treat myself and others with dignity.
I speak and act with courtesy.
I am a peace builder.
I expect respect at all times.
I honor the sacredness of all life.
I live graciously.
I am thankful for the gift of Respect. It helps me to handle life with care.
Reflection Questions
What boundaries do I need to set with others, in order to respect us both?
How do I respect my body?
How do I respect my own life's journey?
What does respect for myself call me to today?
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