A series of major and minor incidents and losses, beginning with the painful and debilitating flare up of an old injury, a car accident (only injury was to the pocketbook), two very challenging deaths, a good friend's cancer diagnosis, good neighbors moving, my father's ever increasing dementia leading to a declaration of incompetence, all interwoven with some distressing symptoms of my own 'midlife' transition and culminating in the loss of a 'significant' relationship and I found myself treading water in a well of grief and despondency that threatened to 'swallow me up'.
None of this was either welcomed or planned. But it certainly was 'life', and a pretty high dose of it at that!
As a Master Facilitator for the Virtues Project, I had many resources and tools from which to draw to help me through such a challenging time, and boy did I draw on them.
Using every ounce of detachment I could muster, and the support of my family, my therapist, my physician and some good friends, I managed to put aside my grief and pain when necessary and 'show up for work'.......whether it was facilitating a group or workshop, parenting my kids, or attending a meeting.......most of the time, I was even able to be almost fully present, a welcome relief from the process of coming to acceptance.......... and when the job of the moment was over, my 'bundle' was there, waiting patiently to be dealt with.
I came to acceptance slowly, sometimes reluctantly and almost literally, on my knees.
I had mainly looked at acceptance as accepting the 'suchness' of others. Accepting myself with all my flaws and inconsistencies, in my humanness. After many years of conscious effort, acceptance of this kind has become easier.
To accept situations, the unfolding of my life, so radically different from my hopes, dreams and plans is something I've always had trouble with.
Linda Kavelin Popov writes about acceptance: "We are open to what is, rather than wishing for something different. We face the truth in all circumstances with honesty and courage."
At first thought, we might think it's a no brainer, to accept what is. He's dead, she's sick and could die, they moved, my body is changing, the car is wrecked, etc. etc. Who could argue with those FACTS?
Accepting the reality of these situations is not difficult intellectually. However, the meaning of the practice of the virtue of acceptance is not a mere passive lack of outward, behavioral attempts to change what is happening, or has happened, but rather a less tangible feeling or harmony with truly accepting (on a deep emotional level, so we are no longer railing against the truth) what I want to be different. Even if I take no action against a situation, or there is no action I could take to change a particular situation, I could still be in a state of non acceptance. And that is what causes suffering.
"Acceptance is embracing life on its own terms." LKP The good and the bad.
The good news is that through this process of coming to terms with the many losses I sustained in the last year, of coming to acceptance, I have learned to embrace life on its own terms in a much deeper and more profound way than I have ever been able to before. The bad news, is it wasn't easy and it often didn't feel very good and it didn't come without considerable railing, whining and gnashing of teeth! Getting to acceptance of so many losses in such a short period of time, was very much a process for me. I had to go through all the stages of loss that Kubler Ross elucidated. I would be in one stage, with one loss when suddenly I was confronted with another.
Being at the bottom of a well of grief, while still having commitments and obligations necessitated me practicing the five strategies, just to get through the day.
Questions such as what virtues could I call on to help me today became not just a daily practice, but my lifeline.
So many teachable moments, so many opportunities to set and maintain clear boundaries.
The serenity prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr helped me to discern what I could change and what I had to accept. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
And then I had to go begin the long process of changing what I could....which to this day is ongoing. One of the 'teachable moments' for me was realizing that I was going to grieve no matter what I was doing and that indeed, once I stopped being imobilized by the feelings and took them with me, on a walk by the ocean, pottering in the garden, clearing and cleaning and letting go of that which no longer served me in my environment, I was doing the emotional work of letting go, while doing something positive to make myself feel more in control of what I could control.
To process a loss, involves grieving it, and letting go. And that can't be done in a moment. It's a process. When many losses are layered one on top of the other it can feel overwhelming.
And like a newly transplanted plant, much of the initial growth occurs underground, not visible to the naked eye. Watered by tears the roots of my character grew stronger, more resilient and one day I awoke to realize, that I had come to new ground, I had somehow, inexplicably, come to acceptance.
And now, having come to acceptance of those many losses, how has it changed me?
I feel a deeper well of joy inside me. Though I still feel sad when I think of the people I miss and what they are missing, somehow I take them with me. They are a part of my life and who I am and nothing can ever change that. I am a better person for having known them, loved and been loved by them, and strangely, even for having lost them.....
And for this, I am now and will ever be, grateful.
Questions for reflection:
What in my life do I need to accept?
What are the teachable moments in this situation?
What virtues will help me to come to acceptance?
How can I draw on the courage to change the things I can?
For information about upcoming workshops, log on to www.virtuesprojectkatemarsh.ca
And please forward this link to your friends and loved ones.
~ Namaste
Kate
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