Volume 27 - Mindfulness

I got a wake-up call this week. An old whiplash injury is often the first place I begin to experience a flare of the fibromyalgia that at times has been crippling in my life. And my back, neck and shoulders have been "singing."

It’s a combination of too many hours at the computer working on a fresh new website for my business, not enough physical exercise, and -- I’m almost embarrassed to say -- a general lack of boundaries in my life.

Why is that embarrassing? Well, setting clear boundaries is the third of the five strategies of the Virtues Project, a project that I have been living and working for almost 20 years.

To add insult to injury I’ve been facilitating a tele-seminar on boundaries the last couple of weeks, which I suspect assisted me to see that once again (without my conscious knowledge), I’ve been allowing my internal boundaries to go unheeded -- and once again, my body is trying to let me know it.

The worse thing about it is, I wasn’t being mindful so I didn’t realize the boundary bit. Oh, I knew that my body was hurting, but explained it away by the actions I was taking -- e.g., working hours on the computer -- rather than the actions I was neglecting to take.

I wasn’t "mindful" of what is really going on for me.

It took an avalanche of anger, triggered by what I took as a criticism from my son, to point it out.

As 18-year-olds often do, my son was trying to enlighten me about what he sees as a flaw in my thinking. (And without all the information, he felt absolutely right.) I listened, responded and when he kept on, I grew silent. Suddenly, without any explanation, I just got up and left the room.

Sitting in my office, trying to read, I became aware that I was not breathing, that I could not really get my breath. I began to "mindfully" breathe and immediately became aware of an avalanche of anger that I didn’t want or understand.

I got up, grabbed the vacuum cleaner and headed to the basement. The next hour was spent aerobically cleaning up the dust and dirt and tidying the detritus of life. I even put on loud music for about 10 minutes, allowing it to muffle my tears while I threw the vacuum hose around like a weapon.

After the ton of anger had shifted, I was able to be mindful once again.

I fully understand why this happens: my childhood home was full of anger, but it was almost entirely unspoken. Sometimes, the anger the adults could no longer hold was taken out on the children, in physically and emotionally demeaning actions and language.

There was no way I wanted to repeat that with my own children but I had no models of how to express anger in healthy ways. Consequently, I've become accustomed to 'stuffing' my anger. Energy has to go somewhere and that angry energy goes directly into my body.

These singing shoulders of mine are a teachable moment. An emotional barometer, if you will. An invitation to mindfulness.

To be mindful is to be aware of things as they are. We are able to be mindful by purposely paying attention to the way things are, rather than what we want them to be.

Linda Kavelin Popov says: “Mindfulness is living reflectively, with conscious awareness of our actions, words and thoughts. Awake to the world around us, we fully experience our senses. We are attentive to others’ needs. We refuse to rush. Living mindfully lightens our lives by helping us to detach from our emotions. We transform anger to justice. We seek joy instead of mere desire. We cultivate our inner vision, aware of life’s lessons as they unfold. Mindfulness brings us serenity.”

I’d like to be able to report that once I became mindful of what was really ‘up’ for me, I felt serene. I did not. "Hon" (my internal critic) began her "coulda, woulda, shoulda" rant ... and a deeper journey into what I really want in and for my life unfolded.

The intense anger had very little to do with my son and his adolescent idealism. It had everything to do with the abuse I was subjected to as a child, and the abuse that my parents (and theirs, and so on) were subjected to. It had everything to do with the lack of virtues development that I think is behind all of human atrocity and failure to live in love and unity with one another.

The Bill Cosby ‘hurt people, hurt people’ thing.

Dan Popov reminds us that Virtues are required for the success of any human endeavor. What virtue was missing?

That question led me back to mindfulness -- [funny how that happens] -- and mindfulness led me back to myself, and to my intention to be the person I want to be in the world. To the realization that beating myself up for being out of touch with myself is not helpful.

In his best selling book of the same name, Don Miguel Ruiz suggests that four agreements can assist us to navigate this "being human" journey with grace and personal power. These agreements fit beautifully with the Virtues Project and its message.

"1. BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can, to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to stuck. Under any circumstance, simply do your best and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.”

These agreements speak to me as an invitation to examine what my boundaries are in relation to the people I am living with. To realize that things have changed for me -- expectations and desires have changed, now that my children have grown closer to adulthood than babyhood. That it is time to begin a dialogue with the people I live with, so we can let each other know who we are becoming at this stage of our lives and how we can support each other to do so.

It strikes me as perfect timing, with the holidays coming up and the beginning of a new decade in a new century right around the corner. A good time to read the internal barometer, discover where I am, and lean into where I want to be.

I'm going to begin by grounding and centering myself, getting in touch with myself so that I can feel my way in to the answers.

Jon Kabat-Zinn teaches a short mindfulness meditation in which you lay on your back and breathe. Placing one hand on your belly, over your navel, you notice how your abdominal wall rises with the in-breath and falls with the out-breath. As you continue to breathe, you merely see if you can pick up on and feel that movement, first with your hand and then without, "putting your mind into your belly." I am going to practice this short meditation daily, with an aim to stay closer to -- more 'mindfully' in touch with -- how I really am. It's going to be a gift, both to myself and to those I love.

Perhaps you'd like to do something similar.

May this season of light and love encourage us to be more mindfully aware of the needs of the world, and the gifts we have with which to meet them.

And may we include ourselves in that mix.

Namaste

~ Kate

The Practice of Mindfulness

I seek always to be awake and aware.

I am considerate of the needs of others.

I keep a pace of grace.

I do not allow emotions and impulses to rule me.

I cultivate my spiritual awareness with daily reflection.

I am a lifelong learner.

I am thankful for the gift of Mindfulness. It keeps me present.

Reflection Questions

What do I need to be aware of?

How can I become more mindful of what's really up for me?

What lessons is life bringing me?

In what ways might I practice daily reflection that support my spiritual awareness?

Volume 26 - Empathy

Fifteen years ago I attended my first facilitator training on The Virtues Project in Seattle, WA.

Linda Kavelin Popov invited us to "turn our internal critic into a gentle observer." I don't think I can get across how profound that invitation was for me. How ready for it I was. Suffice to say, it was huge. Up to that point I literally could not hold a compliment without going to all the ways it was not true. The person might not even be finished what they were saying before I had blanked out on anything positive they might be trying to convey, and had beaten myself up with a dose of shame and blame.

Having been raised in a divorced home with an absent, alcoholic father, I was very familiar with the shame-based "inner critic." Although I don't think until that moment in Seattle I even knew it. It was my default, my "second skin."

Judging and blaming myself had become second nature. I had a continuous loop of coulda - shoulda messages running around my brain. The idea that I could replace that negative talk was revolutionary. Even more revolutionary was the idea that the way to do it was to gently observe both myself and my internal critic's messages.

I was so ready.

Not only did Linda invite us to cultivate the gentle observer, she invited us to give the critic's voice a name. Ergo my conscious relationship with "Hun" (as in Attila). Things have improved between us: for the most part, I am now almost always able to call her "Hon." As a bonus, I oftentimes almost forget that she was my merciless inner torturer for nearly four decades.

Last week, introducing people to this idea at five days of Virtues Intensives, I saw and felt the light bulbs go off in their hearts and minds. Over and over they reported their own aha moments, or as one participant succinctly put it -- click.

I am eternally grateful for the privilege of leading and witnessing people as they share their strengths and challenges in the context of the virtues. Making a living doing it is practically unbelievable.

Most people come to my workshops wearing one or more of their "outer hats" -- (grand)parent, teacher, nurse, social worker, lawyer -- whatever vocation and roles they find themselves currently practicing. They also come with their internal critics on board, eager to "help."

I invite my guests to wear their "inner hats" -- as individual, completely unique spiritual beings having a human experience. I promise them that if they are here for themselves, even for just a day, their experience will be profound and authentic. And they will be more than equipped to go back into their lives and share what they've discovered with others.

We dive right in, experiencing how the strategies of the Virtues Project are strategies for living -- and how what started out as a parenting program swiftly (in the grassroots way any transformational path arises) turned into a powerful example of what Virginia Satir calls "peopling." The program helps us see, own and bring out the best in ourselves and see, acknowledge and bring out the best in others.

A win/win/win proposition. If we see and grow our own strengths, we win. (and those around us and in the world win too) When we show others how to see and grow their strengths, they win. (etc. - etc) And as this grows, the world wins. As Yul Brenner in The King and I so eloquently put it -- etc. etc. etc.

We look at our strengths -- virtues -- and our struggles (absence of or need for virtues) and share them in a safe environment of acceptance, courage, respect, trust and empathy.

We begin to heal our shame. (something that everyone has)

Last week, in one of those amazing synchronicities of life, right in the middle of the intensive I discovered the work of Brene Brown. A research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, she has spent the last ten years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity and shame.

Ms. Brown has found that "shame breeds three things -- fear, blame and disconnection." Her research has also shown her (at first to her personal chagrin) that the ability to be vulnerable is absolutely tied to feelings of worthiness.

Of course, as she points out, a key way to become vulnerable is to open up the story we've been telling ourselves (or our internal critic has been telling us) -- to share it, and to let it be changed. After all, she notes, "From the beginning of human time, we've been wired for story."

It was delightful to find this research-based connection to the value of vulnerability in personal growth. And to find it at the same time as I was witnessing, yet again, a group of strangers becoming friends by sharing their hopes and their struggles.

One of the most important strategies we practiced during our five days together was the art of deep listening. As the Quaker writer Douglas Steere has said, "To listen another's soul into a condition of disclosure and discovery may be almost the greatest service any human being ever performs for another."

In order to listen our own or another's soul into such a state, we call upon and practice the virtue of empathy.

Linda Kavelin Popov tells us that empathy is --

"the ability to put ourselves in another's place and to understand their experience. We are deeply present to their thoughts and feelings, with such compassionate accuracy that they can hear their own thoughts more clearly.

Empathy connects us with our common humanity. It protects us from prejudice, blame and judgment -- those things that divide us from each other.

With empathy, we reflect on how our actions affect others. It moves us to seek justice for every person, even those with whom we disagree.

Empathy inspires us to be giving and selfless.

Empathy connects our hearts."

After working with people in workshops for 15 years, I know for certain it's relatively easy for folks to have empathy toward others who are sharing their struggles. I know from personal and professional experience that it's harder to have empathy towards ourselves (and the little selves inside us that show up to be heard when we do) and harder towards our intimates who are charged with accepting and loving us at our best and worst, but it's by far and above hardest of all towards the internal critic.

I've also learned that holding that internal critic with empathy, acceptance, curiosity and love transforms him/her and thereby us. We truly begin to be the change we want to see.

And then our world starts changing one heart at a time. Somehow we begin connecting with the collective heart of our humanity.

Once this reaches momentum (as in the 100th monkey phenomenom), I believe we'll be able to begin to show in word and deed, empathy towards all other life forms and mother Gaia herself.

Then we'll really be worthy of the appellation spiritual beings.

Namaste

~ Kate

The Practice of Empathy

I seek to understand others' experience.

I listen with compassion.

I refrain from judging and blaming.

I think about how my choices impact others.

I care about people's rights.

I feel my connection to all people.

I am thankful for the gift of Empathy. It sensitizes my heart.

Reflection questions

Whom would I like to stop judging?

Who's experience might I seek to understand?

How can I hold my 'inner critic' with Empathy?

What gifts does Empathy bring to me?