Linda Kavelin Popov invited us to "turn our internal critic into a gentle observer." I don't think I can get across how profound that invitation was for me. How ready for it I was. Suffice to say, it was huge. Up to that point I literally could not hold a compliment without going to all the ways it was not true. The person might not even be finished what they were saying before I had blanked out on anything positive they might be trying to convey, and had beaten myself up with a dose of shame and blame.
Having been raised in a divorced home with an absent, alcoholic father, I was very familiar with the shame-based "inner critic." Although I don't think until that moment in Seattle I even knew it. It was my default, my "second skin."
Judging and blaming myself had become second nature. I had a continuous loop of coulda - shoulda messages running around my brain. The idea that I could replace that negative talk was revolutionary. Even more revolutionary was the idea that the way to do it was to gently observe both myself and my internal critic's messages.
I was so ready.
Not only did Linda invite us to cultivate the gentle observer, she invited us to give the critic's voice a name. Ergo my conscious relationship with "Hun" (as in Attila). Things have improved between us: for the most part, I am now almost always able to call her "Hon." As a bonus, I oftentimes almost forget that she was my merciless inner torturer for nearly four decades.
Last week, introducing people to this idea at five days of Virtues Intensives, I saw and felt the light bulbs go off in their hearts and minds. Over and over they reported their own aha moments, or as one participant succinctly put it -- click.
I am eternally grateful for the privilege of leading and witnessing people as they share their strengths and challenges in the context of the virtues. Making a living doing it is practically unbelievable.
Most people come to my workshops wearing one or more of their "outer hats" -- (grand)parent, teacher, nurse, social worker, lawyer -- whatever vocation and roles they find themselves currently practicing. They also come with their internal critics on board, eager to "help."
I invite my guests to wear their "inner hats" -- as individual, completely unique spiritual beings having a human experience. I promise them that if they are here for themselves, even for just a day, their experience will be profound and authentic. And they will be more than equipped to go back into their lives and share what they've discovered with others.
We dive right in, experiencing how the strategies of the Virtues Project are strategies for living -- and how what started out as a parenting program swiftly (in the grassroots way any transformational path arises) turned into a powerful example of what Virginia Satir calls "peopling." The program helps us see, own and bring out the best in ourselves and see, acknowledge and bring out the best in others.
A win/win/win proposition. If we see and grow our own strengths, we win. (and those around us and in the world win too) When we show others how to see and grow their strengths, they win. (etc. - etc) And as this grows, the world wins. As Yul Brenner in The King and I so eloquently put it -- etc. etc. etc.
We look at our strengths -- virtues -- and our struggles (absence of or need for virtues) and share them in a safe environment of acceptance, courage, respect, trust and empathy.
We begin to heal our shame. (something that everyone has)
Last week, in one of those amazing synchronicities of life, right in the middle of the intensive I discovered the work of Brene Brown. A research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, she has spent the last ten years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity and shame.
Ms. Brown has found that "shame breeds three things -- fear, blame and disconnection." Her research has also shown her (at first to her personal chagrin) that the ability to be vulnerable is absolutely tied to feelings of worthiness.
Of course, as she points out, a key way to become vulnerable is to open up the story we've been telling ourselves (or our internal critic has been telling us) -- to share it, and to let it be changed. After all, she notes, "From the beginning of human time, we've been wired for story."
It was delightful to find this research-based connection to the value of vulnerability in personal growth. And to find it at the same time as I was witnessing, yet again, a group of strangers becoming friends by sharing their hopes and their struggles.
One of the most important strategies we practiced during our five days together was the art of deep listening. As the Quaker writer Douglas Steere has said, "To listen another's soul into a condition of disclosure and discovery may be almost the greatest service any human being ever performs for another."
In order to listen our own or another's soul into such a state, we call upon and practice the virtue of empathy.
Linda Kavelin Popov tells us that empathy is --
"the ability to put ourselves in another's place and to understand their experience. We are deeply present to their thoughts and feelings, with such compassionate accuracy that they can hear their own thoughts more clearly.
Empathy connects us with our common humanity. It protects us from prejudice, blame and judgment -- those things that divide us from each other.
With empathy, we reflect on how our actions affect others. It moves us to seek justice for every person, even those with whom we disagree.
Empathy inspires us to be giving and selfless.
Empathy connects our hearts."
After working with people in workshops for 15 years, I know for certain it's relatively easy for folks to have empathy toward others who are sharing their struggles. I know from personal and professional experience that it's harder to have empathy towards ourselves (and the little selves inside us that show up to be heard when we do) and harder towards our intimates who are charged with accepting and loving us at our best and worst, but it's by far and above hardest of all towards the internal critic.
I've also learned that holding that internal critic with empathy, acceptance, curiosity and love transforms him/her and thereby us. We truly begin to be the change we want to see.
And then our world starts changing one heart at a time. Somehow we begin connecting with the collective heart of our humanity.
Once this reaches momentum (as in the 100th monkey phenomenom), I believe we'll be able to begin to show in word and deed, empathy towards all other life forms and mother Gaia herself.
Then we'll really be worthy of the appellation spiritual beings.
Namaste
~ Kate
The Practice of Empathy
I seek to understand others' experience.
I listen with compassion.
I refrain from judging and blaming.
I think about how my choices impact others.
I care about people's rights.
I feel my connection to all people.
I am thankful for the gift of Empathy. It sensitizes my heart.
Reflection questions
Whom would I like to stop judging?
Who's experience might I seek to understand?
How can I hold my 'inner critic' with Empathy?
What gifts does Empathy bring to me?
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