I mean, love is the most important thing to me...love is all there is, right? How can I be detached from the things, situations and people that matter to me?
I had the idea, that to 'detach' from something - a person, a place, a situation, meant I did not love it, or I was not a loving person. I was mistaken.
"Detachment is experiencing your feelings without allowing your feelings to control you. It is choosing how you will react in a situation rather than just reacting… Detachment is a way to use thinking and feeling together, so that you don't let your feelings run away with you."-From the Virtues Project cards, with permission from The Virtues Project™
When life presents us with challenges, when things happen that we wish did not, we're likely to have strong feelings about it. Last month I wrote about the journey I had with acceptance over the last year as I came to terms with some very deep and personal losses I had sustained.
Zen wisdom teaches that knowing the question is the first step towards knowing the answer. I asked the question, what virtues can I call on to sustain me through this difficult time?
One of the answers I got was detachment. (seek and ye shall find) With the help of detachment, I learned to let go and accept what I couldn't change. I felt my feelings, but used thinking and feeling together to choose how to react.
Melody Beattie tells us that "detachment is not a cold, hostile withdrawal; a resigned, despairing acceptance of anything life and people throw our way; a robotical walk through life oblivious to, and totally unaffected by people and problems; .......nor is it a removal of our love and concern.....Ideally' she tell us, 'detachment is releasing or detaching from a person or problem in love......." (and trusting) that "worrying doesn't help."
When something happens that we neither planned nor wanted, or someone in our life does something, either directly to us, or that will have an undesired affect on us, we have a choice. We can feel our feelings, work through them and come to acceptance of what has happened, or we can worry, rail and knash our teeth. We can detach in love, or hold on in any number of ways - fanning feelings of hate or resentment, telling ourselves and others things 'shoulda woulda coulda' been different. Though it could be true, if we had made other choices things may have been different, but we can't go back and going over and over things from that slant just keeps us stuck. Keeps us attached to something that no longer is. At least in its previous form.
If we can let go and accept in detachment, by feeling our feelings about the situation and moving through them, and using our thinking to decide how we will respond, we find that we come out the other end standing on new ground. And love can enter. If we stay 'attached' to wanting life to be different and continually throw ourselves a pity party, no matter how seemingly justified, (and we can always find others who are more than willing to confirm this to us) we stay stuck in the past while the world moves forward, without us.
When one of my children was going through their adolescence, experimenting with things that I thought dangerous and withdrawing from me, I had a hard time detaching. How could this happen? I've been a good mom. Where has our loving relationship gone? I must do something about this. I started trying to rescue or fix. And my child moved farther and farther away from me. Boundaries I tried to set, were met by equally strong boundaries of their own. The loving relationship (at least on the surface) deteriorated. We were in a power struggle, and when two people get stuck in a power struggle, nobody wins. (and everybody loses)
After much reflection, reading, and 'reality checking' with others, I realized that this child of mine was no longer a child. Duh! Though not quite an adult, certainly no longer my baby, and although still wanting to please me, had to please themselves more. This was quite appropriate to that stage of development. With the help of Trust and the angel of Grace, I began to detach. At first I was just acting 'as if', and not much changed inside me.
In time, I came to accept that this person did not belong to me, they belonged to God and to themselves and had the right to make their own choices, as well as full responsiblity to face the consequences of those choices. In time, what had begun as an exercise, 'trying' to get some relief from the torrent of conflicting thoughts and feelings inside me, turned into actually feeling differently. Not only was I detached, I found to my utter surprise and delight, I was peaceful about it. Again, I had grown and was standing on new ground.
And the relationship began to change. It became more give and take. Respect was more apparent on both sides. Within a short time of truly 'detaching' I was once more warmed by loving hugs and even the occasional, "I love you mom." I had learned a valuable lesson. I had received the gift of detachment.
Reflection questions:
What/ who in my life do I need to detach from?
What virtues will help me detach?
What are the questions I need to ask myself?
What are the teachable moments I am resisting?
One of the answers I got was detachment. (seek and ye shall find) With the help of detachment, I learned to let go and accept what I couldn't change. I felt my feelings, but used thinking and feeling together to choose how to react.
Melody Beattie tells us that "detachment is not a cold, hostile withdrawal; a resigned, despairing acceptance of anything life and people throw our way; a robotical walk through life oblivious to, and totally unaffected by people and problems; .......nor is it a removal of our love and concern.....Ideally' she tell us, 'detachment is releasing or detaching from a person or problem in love......." (and trusting) that "worrying doesn't help."
When something happens that we neither planned nor wanted, or someone in our life does something, either directly to us, or that will have an undesired affect on us, we have a choice. We can feel our feelings, work through them and come to acceptance of what has happened, or we can worry, rail and knash our teeth. We can detach in love, or hold on in any number of ways - fanning feelings of hate or resentment, telling ourselves and others things 'shoulda woulda coulda' been different. Though it could be true, if we had made other choices things may have been different, but we can't go back and going over and over things from that slant just keeps us stuck. Keeps us attached to something that no longer is. At least in its previous form.
If we can let go and accept in detachment, by feeling our feelings about the situation and moving through them, and using our thinking to decide how we will respond, we find that we come out the other end standing on new ground. And love can enter. If we stay 'attached' to wanting life to be different and continually throw ourselves a pity party, no matter how seemingly justified, (and we can always find others who are more than willing to confirm this to us) we stay stuck in the past while the world moves forward, without us.
When one of my children was going through their adolescence, experimenting with things that I thought dangerous and withdrawing from me, I had a hard time detaching. How could this happen? I've been a good mom. Where has our loving relationship gone? I must do something about this. I started trying to rescue or fix. And my child moved farther and farther away from me. Boundaries I tried to set, were met by equally strong boundaries of their own. The loving relationship (at least on the surface) deteriorated. We were in a power struggle, and when two people get stuck in a power struggle, nobody wins. (and everybody loses)
After much reflection, reading, and 'reality checking' with others, I realized that this child of mine was no longer a child. Duh! Though not quite an adult, certainly no longer my baby, and although still wanting to please me, had to please themselves more. This was quite appropriate to that stage of development. With the help of Trust and the angel of Grace, I began to detach. At first I was just acting 'as if', and not much changed inside me.
In time, I came to accept that this person did not belong to me, they belonged to God and to themselves and had the right to make their own choices, as well as full responsiblity to face the consequences of those choices. In time, what had begun as an exercise, 'trying' to get some relief from the torrent of conflicting thoughts and feelings inside me, turned into actually feeling differently. Not only was I detached, I found to my utter surprise and delight, I was peaceful about it. Again, I had grown and was standing on new ground.
And the relationship began to change. It became more give and take. Respect was more apparent on both sides. Within a short time of truly 'detaching' I was once more warmed by loving hugs and even the occasional, "I love you mom." I had learned a valuable lesson. I had received the gift of detachment.
Reflection questions:
What/ who in my life do I need to detach from?
What virtues will help me detach?
What are the questions I need to ask myself?
What are the teachable moments I am resisting?
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2 comments:
Hi Kate. Love the virtues project. A wonderful book called the Family Virtues Guide was given to us by a good friend. So much fun to read with the children. Detachment is a wonderful thing isin't it! I thought that same thing when I first heard of it.. but it really helps one to be at peace and it certainly helps to see the big picture with more clarity! :D Have a great day!
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